Deadpool: Armageddon, Or How I Fought Without Pants
by evolution-500
Summary: With all the realms on the brink of Armageddon, Raiden turns to one man to save them all. ...Mistakes may have been made.
1. Prologue: Here Comes Trouble

**Deadpool Armageddon, Or How I Fought Without Pants**

**By evolution-50("What the-Hey! What are you-")**

**(THWACK! Body falls over and is dragged away. Whistling in the background followed by some tape tearing. Groans of exertion.)**

**("There we are!")**

**(Audible muffling.)**

**("I know, I know, it's a bit uncomfortable, but trust me, I know what I'm doing.")**

**(Squeak of a chair.)**

**Delete. Delete. Delete.**

**By Deadpool**

**("Much better. Hmm, it's just missing a few things. I know!")**

**Boobs.**

**("Hee hee hee, this is awesome!")**

**Penis.**

**("Oh yeah, I have the power now!")**

**Penispenispenispenispenispenispenis.**

**PENIS!**

**("...I am so going to enjoy this!")**

**Warning: This story features violence, course language, mature subject matter, scenes that will make babies cry, blah blah blah blah blah, and an angry ferret. Reader discretion is advised (though you know you _want_ to read it. **

**I can see it in your eyes! **

**You're not fooling anyone! **

**I can see you from back here! **

**I'm just outside your window at this very moment, watching you. **

**Just look outside. I'm in the icecream truck. Look outside and wave. :) **

**...I'm just messing with you. I'm not in an icecream truck. **

**Look outside and wave. :D)**

**("So, some dipshit thinks he can write me, huh? Let me show him a thing or two." Knuckles crackling.)**

**(Muffling in the background.)**

**("Shush shush shush, poopy pants - this is _my_ fic now. Now, _let's rock this bitch_!")**

* * *

**Prologue: Here Comes Trouble**

"Ah fanfiction! The place where ideas go to die and where characters do each other in the butt!"

**'Hey, that's not fair!'** One of the voices in Wade's head commented. **'There are plenty of really good writers on here who have made some top notch stuff, some of them producing better work than a lot of the actual canon!'**

"Okay, okay," Wade relented, reclining back on his torn up couch in his crappy apartment, "_maybe_ that's true...but that's not what _I'm_ looking for."

_'Well what are you looking for, exactly?' _The other voice asked.

**'We're in his head, how can you _not _know?!' **

_'__Things happen.' _Came the reply. _'So what are you looking for exactly? Companionship? A hobby? Friends?'_

"I have plenty of those."

'...'

**'...'**

"...Okay I don't," Wade admitted. "But fear not! There _is_ a purpose to this madness."

**'That's what you said the last time.'** The voice deadpanned.

_'So what will you do? Are you going to start a fanfic of your own?'_

"Nah, the last time I did that She-Hulk, Rogue, Domino and Thor threatened to-"

**'We're not supposed to talk about it.' **His inner voice reminded grimly.

"Okay, okay! Jeez, what a jerk. Besides...I have a better idea," Wade answered, a smug grin forming underneath his red mask, folding his arms together triumphantly. "I'm going to find all the fanfics out there that make me look good and touch myself!"

_'That. Is. BRILLIANT!'_ The voice said excitedly.

**'...I should have guessed.' **The other sighed.

* * *

Thunder crackled over the ruined apartment complex in New York, the sound producing a distant, challenging roar.

* * *

The chair squeaked noisily as Wade rocked back and forth in his seat.

SQUEEKA SQUEEKA SQUEEKA!

"Yeh chik out dat watamelon!"

Lightning flashed, striking through the window of Wade's apartment onto the floor beside him, startling the Merc with the Mouth.

"What the?"

Electricity splashed around the room, shooting sparks in all directions as a blue emblem formed - the head of a rearing horned dragon with a flickering tongue. A bright light flooded the room, forcing Deadpool to cover his eyes.

"Thor is that you?" he called. "'Cause if it is-"

The light disappeared. A tall man dressed in long white robes with a Chinese conical sedge hat - a coolie hat, if Wade remembered the term correctly, - stood before him, his eyes as red as rubies.

"Wade Wilson, I am BY THE ELDER GODS!" the man suddenly recoiled, turning away in disgust.

Wade glanced down, realizing the embarrassing and compromising position he was in. Even worse, his hand hadn't stopped.

"Uh, yeah, this is awkward," he muttered. Wade cleared his voice as he sat there half-dressed in his boxers. "Look, uh, don't mind this, it just has a mind of its own. Could you, eh, come back later? Now is a _really_ bad time."

* * *

Raiden resisted the urge to facepalm.

_This_ was the man who would save Earth Realm?

Surely his visions were wrong.

Clearing his throat, Raiden bowed, pressing his fist into the palm of his hand.

"Forgive this intrusion," he said respectfully, his voice deep and mellifluous. "I am Raiden, god of thunder and protector of Earth Realm. I am here because I need your help, Wade Wilson. The fate of the realms hinges on WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT?!"

Deadpool ceased his movements.

"Sorry, there was a tarantula crawling around there." He adjusted his boxers. "Okay, Christopher Lambert, lay it on me! What do you need?"

Raiden pinched the bridge of his nose.

Elder Gods give him strength!

He exhaled slowly

"There is a storm coming, Wade Wilson of Earth 616. One that threatens to span through all the realms, and I am in dire need of allies. "

"Why not go to the Avengers, or Spiderman, or Dr. Strange?" Wade asked.

He shook his head sadly.

"They are all great fighters, but I'm afraid the...things they will be asked to do is not something they would approve of."

Wade perked up.

"Why? Are you killing babies?"

"By the Elder Gods, NO!" Raiden took in a deep breath. "Allow me to explain. For millennia, the Mortal Kombat tournament has been held in Earth Realm as a way appealing to the barbarian sensibilities of Outworld and its Emperor, Shao Kahn. If they were to win in ten consecutive tournaments, Earth Realm will be lost."

He stared pointedly at Wade's eyes.

"Earth Realm has lost nine."

Wade blinked in his chair.

"Umm, well... that sucks."

Raiden nodded. "Indeed. There is much to tell you, but to sum it all up as quickly as possible, Armageddon has arrived at my Earth, and now the Elder Gods wish to host a new tournament to decide the fate of all the realms and all its fighters. Will you lend us your strength and help us in our struggle?" he pleaded.

Wade thought about it for a moment.

"Okey-dokey" he shrugged. "Beats sitting around on a Saturday."

Raiden bowed gratefully.

"Thank you, Wilson."

Deadpool waved him.

"No prob!" he replied. "Let me go get some pants-"

* * *

"On."

Wade blinked, then looked around.

He was in the middle of a vast amphitheater-styled coliseum that had a concrete linear pathway and a dirt floor, the ground stained with blood, old and fresh. Thousands of people were cheering loudly from the stands.

Upon noticing Wade's presence, however, cheers died down, the arena now oddly and uncomfortably quiet as they took in his appearance, muttering to themselves and each other in confusion.

"Ummmm….hi?" Deadpool waved.

People stared, then burst out laughing.

Adjusting his boxers, Wade stood up, clearing his throat, getting ready to leave.

"Um...Well...bye."

**"STOP RIGHT THERE, MORTAL!"** A powerful voice snarled, causing Wade to freeze in place, the laughter ceasing abruptly. It was one part growl, ten parts a deep baritone that sounded as if the guy was loaded up on some _serious_ steroids. Steroids that would have made the Hulk jealous.

Turning slowly around, he found himself face to face with a very intimidating-looking fellow. Seated on a concrete skull throne at the top of a small set of stairs directly in front of him, between two pairs of massive concrete pillars that had two women chained up, was a heavily-muscled, bare-chested man. A man that looked like he bench-pressed dinosaurs and grated diamonds with his bare abs, that wore little else aside from a skirt and loin cloth, a pair of red and gold spiked pauldrons on the shoulders that were held in place by some leather straps and a similarly colored samurai helmet, his face concealed behind a gold dragon skull-styled mask, his arms brown, scaly and spiked.

* * *

Shao Kahn narrowed his eyes, taking in the appearance of the intruder.

The man was tall, six-two and weighed by his estimates two hundred and ten pounds, his physique muscular. A fighter, that Kahn knew as much just from observing him. His apparel, the ones he wore on his top half, were red and black, his head and face concealed behind a red mask with black diamonds that completely encircled the white-lensed eyes. A ninja, based on his garb. His lower half, however, made Kahn less than impressed; the man wore nothing but a pair of undershorts with hearts all over them, his legs bare, revealing scarred and scabby tissue.

Kahn leaned forward from his throne.

**"Who dares enters the domain of Shao Kahn, and in such a disgraceful state?!" **the man on the throne demanded.

The man puffed his chest out, standing straight.

"I...am Deadpool!" He yelled.

Kahn watched the strange man, tilting his head quizzically.

"...Deadpool?" the man repeated. "The Merc With The Mouth? Come on, everyone knows me! I was with the Avengers!"

Kahn raised a questioning brow.

"...No? Maybe you know my ex-wife Shikla, Queen of the Monsters?"

The Emperor of Outworld felt a frown form.

**"Your presence irritates me. Guards, kill this bothersome little pest!"**

Lightning crashed down before him, causing the guards to rear back in alarm as a familiar figure appeared by Deadpool's side. Kahn glared.

**"Raiden,"** he spat.** "I should have known."** He gave an amused and contemptuous lookover at Deadpool. **"I see that you're getting desperate. Tell me, Raiden - from what world did you pluck this clown from?"**

Deadpool glared. "Hey! I am NOT a clown!"

The Emperor of Outworld sneered. **"You dress like one, mortal."**

"Why you-"

"Do not let his appearance deceive you, Shao Kahn," Raiden warned. "Wade Wilson is a formidable warrior."

Kahn perked up.

**"Really?"** he said interestedly.

"Indeed," Raiden nodded.

The warlord looked back to the half-dressed ninja.

**"Do you understand what you are getting yourself into?"** he asked. **"Do you know what it is that Raiden is asking you to do?"**

The ninja shrugged.

"Not really," he replied honestly, "but as long as there are plenty of sexy ladies and ass-kicking, I'm a happy guy!"

Shao Kahn stared, then let out a harsh, grating laugh.

**"You certainly know how to pick them, Thunder God,"** Shao Kahn smirked. **"The death of this one shall make for some fine entertainment. Very well. He may enter the tournament."**

The crowd cheered loudly.

**"Silence!"** The people in the stands flinched at his tone, immediately stopping.

Turning his eyes back to the ninja, he continued, **"The rules of the tournament are simple. One, once Mortal Kombat is declared, it cannot be refused. It is either you, or your opponent. Two, you may use whatever abilities you wish. Nothing will be denied on this front. Three, once you achieved victory, your opponent's life is in your hands. You may do whatever you wish to them. Four, should you win the tournament, anything that you desire will be yours. Any questions?"**

Shao Kahn watched in irritation as the ninja raised his hand.

**"What?"**

"Is there a bathroom break?"

**"No. Now, let's see how good of a fighter you really are! Your first opponent will be Bo Rai Cho. Let the tournament begin!"**

People in the stands cheered. Sitting back in his throne, Shao Kahn grinned beneath his skull helmet in anticipation of the coming battle.

* * *

Wade watched as the people chanted in the various stands.

"BO RAI CHO! BO RAI CHO!"

Feeling a hand on his shoulder, Wade turned to see Raiden giving him an assured smile.

"Thank you, Wilson." he nodded, then turned to leave.

"Wha-hey wait a minute. Aren't you fighting?"

"I am afraid I cannot. Gods are forbidden from participating. I will be watching from the heavens. May the Elder Gods be with you, Wade Wilson."

With that final message, Raiden disappeared, leaving Wade alone in the middle of the arena.

"Oh. Okay!" Wade threw up his hands in annoyance. "Okay bye!"

Turning around, he looked around.

"So, who is this "Bo Rai Cho" guy I gotta fight?" he asked.

"That *belch* would be me," a slurred voice answered from his right.

Turning in the direction from where he heard it, Wade saw an obese Asian man dressed in traditional brown Chinese robes with wraps protectively covering his arms and legs, his beard and ponytail thick and dark. Taking a sip from a flask, a jovial face regarded him, studying him curiously.

He then glanced down and raised a brow at the sight of his boxers. "...Why aren't you wearing pants?"

Wade shrugged.

"I was busy doing other stuff. I was going to put something on, but I didn't really get the chance to," he replied.

Bo Rai Cho studied him for a moment.

"You _look_ like a fighter," he commented.

"Thank you. Let me just go get some pants-"

**"Enough!"** Shao Kahn interrupted. **"Round One. FIGHT!"**

Bo Rai Cho shrugged.

"I'm afraid you'll have to put some on later."

He turned around and lifted up his leg.

Wade blinked. "What are you-?"

BRAP!

A huge, thick, gaseous cloud blew in his direction, causing the Merc with the Mouth to cough.

"Aw, son of a bitch! Oh god it's in my mouth!" Wade waved the air in front of him. "You're gonna fart at me?! You're gonna fart at _me_?! I'll show you who the master farter is around here!"

Wade turned around and squatted, carefully aiming, then let out a loud trumpet call from his rear.

Bo Rai Cho coughed and vomited, waving his hand furiously.

"By the Gods, what a stench!"

Meanwhile, up in the stands, all the men stood up from their seats and turned around, parting their butt cheeks as they chanted loudly in unison.

"DO THE FART! DO THE FART!"

The women could only sigh and shake their head, with some either embarrassedly apologizing, explaining that their husband, son or brother were retarded, had been dropped on their heads as children, struck by Shao Kahn etc. A few of the women dismissed them as complete strangers and claimed ignorance as to their identities.

From out of nowhere, Christopher Lloyd appeared at the sidelines, shouting, "YOU GOTTA FIGHT IT! THROW THE FART!"

Bo Rai Cho narrowed his eyes. This means war.

* * *

From the Heavens above, standing in the midst of an octagonal courtyard surrounded by pillars, the Elder Gods collectively watched with bemusement, staring nonplused at what the orb showed in front of them. Two grown men took turns reverse-bowing each other, each one producing disgusting noises of varying volume. Cetrion, the goddess of light and life, looked over at Raiden with a delicate arched brow.

"...This is the man you have selected to save the realms?" she stated flatly.

Raiden pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head wearily.

* * *

"OUT, EVIL SPIRIT! OUT!" Wade yelled as he continued squatting and firing his weapon of mass of destruction. "THE POWER OF TACO BELL COMPELS YOU, DEMON! THE POWER OF TACO BELL COMPELS YOOOOOOU!"

Bo Rai Cho coughed and gagged, plugging his nose.

"FEEL MY POWER LEVEL!"

The smell had become intolerable. Everyone was affected by it, including the unshakable Shao Kahn as he waved the air in front of him.

**"By the Gods, how can one man produce such an awful smell?!"** he coughed.

Some of the audience members were throwing up from the stands.

**"Where is the Wind God Fujin when we need him?!"**

* * *

Raiden raised his brows in surprise as the aforementioned god suddenly burst out loud with a hysterical laugh. For as long as he could remember, he had never seen a reaction. He rarely smiled, let alone laughed - he was always so calm and composed, so dignified.

Now, though, he was completely doubled-over, holding his sides.

Letting a wheeze, the Wind God wiped the tears from his eyes.

"By the Gods!" he smiled. "I never thought Shao Kahn would cry for my aid!"

Raiden let an amused grin form. "Indeed." He looked at him curiously. "Do you intend to answer his pleas?"

Fujin shook his head. "No, I think I'm going to savor this moment some more."

* * *

The arena was now covered in a dark, thick haze.

"*COUGH *COUGH THAT'S ENOUGH!" Bo Rai Cho declared. "I SURRENDER! I ADMIT DEFEAT!"

**"You win!"** Kahn shouted, covering his nose. **"Now get the fuck out of my arena, you revolting creature! Onto the next battle!"**

Wade ceased firing, then looked up.

"Wait, the next battle?! What about my pants-"

With a wave of his hand, Shao Kahn teleported the disgusting mortal away.

All around him, people were coughing, gagging and retching. His glorious arena, stained with the blood of countless fighters that he had crushed throughout the centuries, was now smeared in bile.

Lifting his helmeted masked eyes to the sky, Shao Kahn stared to the sun.

What had Raiden unleashed onto him?

* * *

**Deadpool here! So, what do you guys think? Like it? Hate it? Feel free to let me know!**

**("MMHMHMHMMH!")**

**("Oh hush, you! I'm doing you a favor! Nobody wants to read your "Rise of the Robots" fanfic idea, nerd!")**

**And now here are a bunch of private parts just to piss off the censors!**

**READY?! OKAY, HERE WE GO-**

**Note from the Administrators: WE'RE SORRY, BUT THIS SECTION IS UNDERGOING HEAVY REVISION. (Arguing and punching in the background.****)**

**WE WILL BE BACK SHORTLY.**


	2. Chapter One: A New Challenger

**Deadpool Armageddon, Or How I Fought Without Pants**

**("Well, it's been a while since we last visited this bad boy! To be honest I completely forgot about it! I wonder how well this has done for itself.")**

**Clickety clickety clickety.**

**(…"Really?! Only two reviews?! ****You seriously suck, Evolution.")**

**("MMH!")**

**("Oh shush, nobody cares about you! Now let me read these reviews.")**

**reeleffendeel: "A little too heavy on the fart themes but an otherwise funny Deadpool fic."**

**DP: AW Thank you! Glad you like it so far! A little too heavy on the fart themes? Nonsense I say! Farts make the world go round, my man! Every joke is funnier with a toot or two, especially when it's well timed!**

**("BRAP!")("Hee hee hee! I love this job!")**

**...Alright, maybe I _should_ cut back a little on that. No promises, though! ;) Next!**

**Viomat: "That was hilarious thank you!"**

**DP: My absolute pleasure! Thank you for the review, good sir. ;)**

**("Now, let's see how many people favorited this.")**

**Clickety clickety clickety.**

**("...Five?! Really?! Don't get me wrong, you people are beautiful, but seriously, only five?! Uhh, I need to go clear my head.")**

**(Leaves room for a moment.)**

* * *

Sad violin strings played as Wade wandered the streets of New York, staring down at the ground with his hands in his pockets as it rained. Turning left, he walked aimlessly for several blocks as the music continued before it abruptly stopped. Pausing, he glanced to the violinist behind him.

"Why are you stopping?! Go on! Keep following and playing!"

"When am I going to get my fifty bucks?" the violinist huffed.

"You'll get your damn money! Now, play, music monkey!"

The violinist sighed, then resumed playing again.

Turning away, Wade continued on down the street while people on the street murmured and gave him curious looks. Wade walked down several blocks, then stopped as his eyes landed on a particular building.

* * *

"Cap, I need to see you."

"Wade, now is a _seriously_ bad time. Go away."

"Oh come on, Cap! I have something on my chest that I need to get out."

"Wade-"

"Come on, Cap! I'm feeling really vulnerable right now!"

Steve Trevor gave Deadpool an outraged and incredulous look as he sat there on the toilet with his pants and star-spangled boxers drawn down, holding a newspaper to conceal himself. "_YOU'RE_ FEELING VULNERABLE?! Wade - F##$ OFF!"

Deadpool blinked as the door was slammed on his face.

"...Well, maybe he would have listened had I not decided to kick the door in while he was in there."

Turning around, he sauntered off, going back out into the rain.

* * *

**("Weeeell, so much for my soul-searching.")**

**("MHMHM!")**

**("Hey, don't look at me like that! This is your fault that nobody is reading this shit! I knew I should I have gone with Hawki instead of this loser.")**

**("What about my fifty bucks?")**

**(Click.)**

**("Uh, you know what? Keep the money.")**

**(Door slams.)**

**("Now that is out of the way, let's see if there are any actual _good_ writers that are willing to work with me on this.")**

* * *

**Several hours later...**

**("Munch Munch Munch!")**

**(WRING!)**

**("Hello?")**

**("Hi, Mr. Deadpool? My name is Dedrat90. I saw your ad on Craigslist about your wanting an author to collaborate with?")**

**("Uh, yeah, absolutely! So you're interested in writing this Mortal Kombat crossover?")**

**("Actually no. I have an even better idea. I have been working on this idea for years, and I think it will be just perfect!")**

**("Ooh, you have me intrigued! What is it?")**

**("I wanna write you in my "Ride To Hell: Retribution" fanfiction!")**

**("…Uhh….how do I put this gently?...NO!")**

**(Hangs up the phone.)**

**("WRING!")**

**("Hello?")**

**("Hi, I would like to order a pizza?")**

**("Wrong number.")**

**("Click.")**

**("WRING!")**

**("Hello?")**

**("What are you wearing?")  
**

**("Nothing. Wait a minute...Wolvie?!")**

**("WADE?! Shit, wrong number.")**

**("Click.")**

**("...Well that was interesting.")**

**("WRING!")**

**("*Sigh* What do you want?!")**

**("Hi, my name is Freddy and I'm interested in your co-author ad?")**

**("Ah perfect! Tell me, Fred, what sort of story do you want to do?")**

**("I want you in my Shaq Fu slash fan fiction.")**

**("..."Shaq Fu"?! Really?! Get lost, Fred!")**

**("I liked you better in "X-Men Origins" anyway!")**

**("Ohhh, that's _low_! I _will_ find you!")**

**("Click.")**

**("Uhh, this is gonna be a long night...)**

* * *

**Five hours later...**

**("*Sigh* I can't believe this. I've wrung up every good writer I could find and they're all too busy! Meanwhile all the retards keep calling me up with their shit ideas, each one shittier than the last one! One of them is a heavy-breathing pervert, the other is a _creepy_ little fucker who I swear is one step away from being on an FBI watchlist, if he isn't already...aren't there any good writers around here?!")**

**("WRING!")**

**("Hello?!")**

**("Uh, hi! I read your ad in the paper?")**

**("You're nine years-old! I can hear it in your voice! Fuck off, kid!")**

**("But-but I haven't told you my idea!")**

**("Is your fanfic idea related to Naruto or Harry Potter?")**

**("...Well...yeah.")**

**("Does it involve me being their daddy and their gaining my mad skills along with a harem?")**

**("...….YOU'RE SO MEAAAAAAAANNNN!" Crying in the background.)**

**("Click.")**

**("Case in point.")  
**

**("MHMHM!")**

**("*Sigh* Well, for better or worse, it looks like it's just you and me, babe. You're _slightly_ less shit than the others, so congratulations. Now, since we're stuck together, we might as well make the most out of it. Let's get this fic rolling!")**

**("MHMHMH!")**

**("Sorry, were you trying to say something? Oh, of course!")**

**By Deadpool**

**("That's about it, right? Oh wait! I forgot to include to give reader notification! That's it, right?"**)

**WARNING: This story is not meant for babies. It will punch you and kick you and has very, VERY bad words, explicit content and gratuitous violence. If you are under eighteen PFFFFFFFFFFT! :P**

**("MHMHMHMHM!")**

**("What?! What?! What do you want now, ya big baby?!")**

**(Tears off duct tape.)**

**("I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!")**

**("Well you can't go to the bathroom, you're stuck here with me!")**

**("IF ANYONE CAN HEAR THIS, PLEASE HELP! I'M BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL IN THE BACK OF A KRISPY KREMES LOCATED ON-")**

**(THWACK!) (Thud.) (Sound of tape being applied.)**

**("...ANNND there we are. Nice and secure. Sigh. Well, back to work!")**

* * *

**Chapter One: A New Challenger**

Green energy flashed, then faded. Rubbing his eyes, Deadpool massaged his head.

"Uhh, that sucked. Big time." he muttered.

Opening his eyes, the Merc with the Mouth studied his surroundings. He was somewhere in the mountains on a rounded arena made up of dirt on rocks. Along the outer rim of said-arena were a couple of double-barred cross-like polls lined with red flags and corpses. Flies buzzed around the rotted skeletal remains while the red fabric wavered in the wind, the air thick with clouds of sulfur. In the distance, Wade could make out a temple or shrine of some sort on the edge of a cliff that vaguely resembled Hindu architecture. Approaching the edge of the arena, he glanced curiously to see what was down below.

"Oh joy!"

There were a slew of large rocky spikes at the bottom, a couple of them already sporting a few impaled cadavers.

"So, you're the new guy, huh? Don't look so tough." An unfamiliar voice commented somewhere behind him.

Turning around to face him, Deadpool paused as he studied his opponent.

And quite frankly...he was unimpressed.

Standing at the other end, smirking at him, was a tall Caucasian in his twenties. Reasonably good-looking, with a shaggy yellow mop of hair, his form was dressed in a white, sleeveless karate gi with black and gold trimmings, his legs concealed in a pair of black baggy pants held up by black and gold belt. His arms and feet were bare while his hands and wrists were taped and gloved.

Deadpool looked at him flatly, then raised a brow.

"...Annnd who are you supposed to be?" he asked.

The man crossed his arms.

"The name's Kobra." he answered haughtily. "Don't you forget it!"

Wade remained still for a moment...then burst out laughing.

"Wow!" he chuckled. "Could you possibly be any lamer!"

Kobra's smirk dropped, his lips curling angrily. "What did you say, punk?!"

"You heard me," Deadpool replied. "I was gonna say that you're a Ken Masters clone, but man you are bottom of the barrel!"

Kobra huffed.

"I'll have you know I'm a Black Dragon!"

Wade fell quiet, then tilted his head quizzically.

"...You don't look like a dragon. Do you breathe fire and fly?"

The man facepalmed. "Not literally, dipshit. Haven't you heard of the Black Dragon?"

Deadpool looked at him dumbly, then shrugged.

"Nope. What is that?" he asked.

Kobra's smirk returned.

"Only the deadliest bunch of cutthroats and mercs in the world." he sneered. "Our organization is responsible for the highest arms trafficking and racketeering operations across the globe."

"Ooh, ahh. I am so scawed!" Deadpool deadpanned in a baby voice. "You look about as threatening as a marshmallow. Love the mullet too - very trendy back in 1990-never."

Kobra then glanced down at his legs, arching a curious brow.

"...Why aren't you wearing pants?"

Deadpool sighed.

"It's a long story. Just give me a sec while I go get a pair of pants from one of these dead-" He was cut off as the ground shook. "Uhh, what's going on?"

The outer rim of the arena started to crumble around them, resulting in it getting smaller.

"Oh come on!" Deadpool raised up his arms. "Really?!"

**"ROUND ONE,"** Shao Kahn's voice boomed. **"FIGHT!"**

"Wait wait wait, just give me a sec to get some pants-"

POW!

Pain stung the side of Wade's face as he felt himself flying off the ground, watching as the ground disappeared from view as he screamed and flailed his arms around.

"MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

As he fell, a sharp pain pierced through his back, causing to let out a sharp gasp as he found himself impaled through the middle on a large rocky spike.

* * *

Kobra looked over the edge, giving a satisfied smirk as he glanced down at his opponent's impaled body.

"HOW DO YA LIKE ME NOW, FREAK?!" he taunted.

"**KOBRA WI-!"**

The man groaned, catching the announcer off-guard.

**"WHAT THE FUCK?!"**

"HNGGGG, You still suck!" Deadpool called back. "As soon as I get off this thing, I'm gonna climb back up there and burn that thing off your head!"

Kobra watched incredulously as he grabbed hold of the rock and started to pull up.

How the hell was this guy even alive?!

"NGGGGG! NGGGGG!"

Deadpool climbed a few inches, then slipped.

"Shit," he swore. Looking back up, he waved. "I'm gonna get you, you son of a bitch!"

"Bring it!" Kobra called back.

Deadpool tried again, grunting as he pulled himself back up, then slid back down again.

"...I'll be up there in just a sec. Don't you go anywhere."

"I won't."

* * *

**Ten minutes later...**

Deadpool huffed as he retried. "I'm almost up there! You're gonna regret punching me, punk!"

Wade slid back down again.

Wiping his head, he huffed. "Uhh, just give me a moment, okay? This might take a while."

* * *

Meanwhile, a group of Black Dragons at a private bar were laughing uproariously as they all pointed to the television screen, watching as Deadpool climbed up only to fall back down again.

Some of them were placing bets to see how far he would climb while others were making cartoony violin sound effects to punctuate every climb or fall. One man, a muscular Caucasian with receding brown hair dressed in a black vest and pants stood watching, his hand clutching the necklace containing a tuft of blonde hair.

"HAHAHA! Crikey this is rich!" Kano reared back in laughter, wiping the tears from his one good eye while the red bionic eye remained on screen. "Look at the stupid bugger go!"

* * *

Kobra watched as Deadpool grunted as he climbed, then slid back down for the zillionth time.

He remained stationary.

"Woo, this is exhausting," Deadpool muttered to himself.

Kobra stared down at him in disbelief as the strange man looked up to him.

"...How are you doing?" the latter asked nonchalantly.

"Okay, I guess," Kobra replied, completely bemused by the situation.

The two fell back into awkward silence.

"...So...how long have you been doing this "Mortal Kombat" thing for?"

Kobra shrugged. "First time, really."

"Really? Huh. Same here." Deadpool then scratched his butt. "Do you have dental?"

The Black Dragon blinked. "Sorry?"

"Does the Black Dragon have dental?"

"Uhh, noooo?" Kobra said questioningly with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh. It's just some mercenary groups that I had been a part of had that covered. You should check with your boss."

Kobra scratched his head, hand on his hip.

...Who the hell was this guy?

The impaled man lay back suspended in the air, taking in deep breath, sighing loudly.

"Don't mind me," Deadpool waved. "I'm just hanging around for a bit. Ha! 'Hanging around'. Let me catch my breath for a moment."

Something white spattered down onto his chest, drawing both mens' attention.

"What-" Looking up, Deadpool blinked. "What the hell-?"

He was cut off as another odd white substance spattered onto his top, causing both men to look up.

Overhead, vultures were flying around.

"OH COME ON!" Deadpool shouted as he wiped his top, further smearing bird crap all over it. "Ugh!" He glanced back to Kobra. "Uhh, could you help me out please?"

The thug smirked, unbuckling his pants. "With pleasure..."

* * *

Deadpool jerked his head to the side as something warm splashed him in the face.

"PFT! PFT! Really, dude?!" Lifting up his mask, he spat and wrung it out to one side, glaring up at the prick above him. "Oh it's on now! You want a war, asshole?! You got one!"

Readjusting the mask, he tried again, pulling himself up a few inches.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"

* * *

**Two hours later...**

Shao Kahn stared in annoyance at the pitiful sight of Deadpool's struggle. No matter how many arrows or spears pierced into the impaled man, he wouldn't die. Instead, he would just pluck them out of his body as if they were nothing. Even worse, it made the pest even chattier, causing him to spew a bunch of nonsense, none of which made any sense to the warlord.

**"For fuck's sake,"** Shao Kahn sighed wearily as he raised up a hand, using his magic.

* * *

Deadpool grunted as he pulled himself up. "ALMOST...THERE!"

* * *

Kobra blinked as the impaled man disappeared in a green light. As his eyes cleared, the Black Dragon was startled to find the body gone. Even more curiously, part of the arena was restored.

"What the hell?!" he muttered. "Where did he go?"

"Yoo-hoo!"

Turning around, Kobra was met with a punch to the face that caused him to stumble backward.

"THAT was for peeing on me!" Deadpool retorted as he got into a stance.

**"ROUND TWO!"** Shao Kahn's voice echoed. **"FIGHT!"**

The two fighters circled each other as the arena started to shake and crumble around them.

"So what's your story, freak?" Kobra asked.

"Oh, you know, the usual," Deadpool said nonchalantly, "Blah blah Special Forces, blah blah cancer, blah blah secret government project. Now I'm a freelance mercenary, though I did work with the Avengers."

Kobra frowned. "Avengers?"

"Yeah, you know, the greatest heroes that ever lived."

The Black Dragon gave him a blank, questioning look.

"Come on, the Avengers! Iron Man? Spiderman? The Hulk? Thor?"

Kobra shrugged. "Can't say I've heard of them." He narrowed his eyes. "Now, shut up and fight!"

Deadpool smiled.

"Okeydokey. By the way I'm a HUGE fan of your hair! Very natural. It looks you ran over an animal several times until it was dead!"

His opponent tightened his mouth, clenching his teeth angrily.

"...And then driven over it several more times to make sure it _was_ dead!"

He was now grinding his teeth.

"And then you scooped up what was left and placed it on top of your head-"

Letting out an angry roar, Kobra charged him like an angry bull, leaping forward with a kick just as Wade ducked to the side, sending him careening off the edge screaming.

"See you later, asshole!" Deadpool called as the man fell to his death.

Twisting on his heel, he proceeded to do the moonwalk, then grabbed his crotch. "Hee hee!"

**'...Did you really just imitate Michael Jackson?'** The voice in his head deadpanned.

"Yep!" Deadpool said happily as he started to pelvic thrust. "WHO'S MY BITCH NOW?!"

* * *

Raiden felt all of the Elder Gods turn as one to stare directly at him.

Sighing, the Thunder God facepalmed and shook his head.

* * *

As he finished, Deadpool stretched himself out.

"Weeell, time for me to get some-" He was cut off as everything went black.

When everything returned to normal, Deadpool found himself staring directly at Kobra.

"OH COME ON! I KILLED YOU!" He shouted in annoyance.

Kobra cracked his knuckle. "Yeah, and now it's payback time, freak."

**"ROUND THREE! FIGHT!"**

The two circled around each other as the arena shook and crumbled around them.

"COME AT ME, BRUH!" Wade urged.

"YOU FIRST, BRO!"

"COME AT ME, BRUH!"

"YOU FIRST, BRO!"

Both opponents kept circling each other, egging each other on, but neither took the initiative. They continued for some time when they both failed to notice a section that they were standing on giving way, causing them both to waver unsteadily and plunge down screaming at the same time, resulting in their both getting impaled.

* * *

Raiden and the Elder Gods stared in stunned silence.

"...Who won?"

* * *

Shao Kahn stared in disbelief at the orb, watching as the two men writhed on the spikey rocks.

He exhaled, massaging his forehead, letting out a tired sigh as he raised up a hand and used his magic to restore both the arena and the combatants.

* * *

Deadpool blinked as he found himself back on the arena facing Kobra again.

"This is like a never-ending nightmare." the latter muttered.

**"ROUND THREE! FIGHT!" **

Charging forward, the two threw their punches, slamming them into each others' faces, causing both two stagger backward. Recovering, they resumed on in their battle, punching, kicking, blocking and parrying the other's moves, two warriors locked in a struggle for dominance.

Deadpool leapt back in surprise as Kobra pulled back his foot to deliver a flaming axe kick.

"Whoa! What just happened?" Deadpool said in confusion.

"That's my signature move," Kobra said proudly.

Wade arched a brow under his mask. "Your signature move is to make your foot on fire? That's...really...lame."

The Black Dragon huffed.

"Well who asked you?!" he said belligerently. Pulling his arms back, he thrusted them forward, throwing out...a fireball. A very lame fireball that puttered, whimpered, then fizzled out.

"...Uhh...was that supposed to happen?" Wade asked.

Blinking, Kobra tried again, only this time, the fireball fizzled out completely, the fireball producing a slight cough and wheeze.

"What the fuck?" he said in frustration.

"Hey, take it easy!" Deadpool said. "Listen, it happens to everyone. You're under pressure, so performance issues are bound to occur-"

"SHUT UP!" Kobra threw out a third fireball. When it trailed off in a puff of smoke, he stared for a few seconds, kicked the ground and turned away, folding his arms.

Deadpool blinked. "...Are you crying?"

"No!" Kobra called back, although to Wade it sounded suspiciously like he was trying to hide a sniffle.

_**'Just give him a moment.'**_ the voice in his head said.

_'I say we take the chance and shoot him!'_ the other voice commented.

"Good idea, voice in my head," Deadpool nodded, then reached for his holster...only to find it empty. "Uhh….shit."

He reached and felt around all over, then looked ahead.

"Uhh, you guys might find this part disgusting."

* * *

From above, the Elder Gods recoiled as they all shouted in disgust.

"By the Elder Gods!" Raiden cried, raising up a hand to block out the sight.

* * *

"Let's see...there are my keys. That's the burrito from yesterday," Deadpool muttered as he sifted around in the back, pulling things out from his boxers "That's a marble. That's a gerbil."

_**'How did that get in there?'**_ The voice in his head asked.

Wade thought back.

* * *

_He was standing on a table in front of the Avengers, his hands placed on his hips. _

_"Anybody like to see my impression of Richard Gere?"_

* * *

"Ohhh yeah!" Deadpool nodded. "That was at the Christmas Party! I wonder if that's why they didn't invite me back."

"Hey retard!" A familiar voice called. "Check this out!"

Raising up his eyes, Deadpool barely had time to dodge out of the way as a fireball flew in his direction. Looking back to the source, his eyes narrowed at the smug form of Kobra as he stood there with his arms folded, his chin raised.

"You ready to fight?" Kobra challenged.

Pulling his hand out from the back of his boxers, Deadpool got into a stance, his hand dirty, causing Kobra to rear back in horror.

"Oh gross!"

Blinking, Deadpool looked back to his hand, then sighed as he wordlessly went to a post and wiped his hand against it.

He then got into a fighting pose. "Bring it on, butt-fucker."

Charging each other with loud yells, the two resumed on, punching and kicking, dodging and weaving as they exchanged blows. Grabbing each other in a bear hug, the two men wrestled.

"Jesus Christ you smell!" Kobra gagged.

"That's the smell of victory!" Deadpool announced.

The two continued to wrestle, their arms and torsos locked together. Suddenly, the opponents stopped their movements as Deadpool felt Kobra hesitate.

"...What is that pressing against my leg?"

"...Umm.."

Deadpool watched as Kobra glanced down, his eyes bulging...at _something_ down below that was also doing the same thing.

"...REALLY?!" the latter exclaimed as he looked up.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" the former said defensively.

"WHAT IS _WRONG_ WITH YOU?!"

"I'M A RED-BLOODED CANADIAN TIGHTLY PRESSED UP AGAINST ANOTHER PERSON - IT'S A NATURAL RESPONSE!"

"GET OFF ME!"

"If you keep squirming around like that I just might."

Grunting in disgust, Kobra broke away, giving Deadpool the opening he needed as he tackled him to the ground. As Deadpool continued punching into the man, the Black Dragon reared back his legs and forcefully shoved him off. Getting back onto their feet, the two opponents panted as they eyed on another. Wiping the sweat from his brow, Deadpool narrowed his eyes.

"Let's finish this."

Kobra let out a challenging yell, then Deadpool. Charging forward, the two were just a foot away from making contact when the ground gave way, causing them both to waver unsteadily before finally dropping down with loud screams.

* * *

As the two men landed on the spikes at the same time yet again, Shao Kahn face-palmed.

**"For fuck's sake."** Letting out a heavy weary sigh, he pulled his hand away, eying Deadpool tiredly. **"You win. Go on, move on to the next challenge already."**

Using his magic, he sent the red clown away, watching as Kobra writhed for the last time on the spike.

Looking up to the ceiling, Shao Kahn exhaled.

Was this the Elder Gods' punishment?

* * *

**DP: AND THAT CONCLUDES THIS CHAPTER! Hope you enjoyed that, everybody! And now here are some random pictures of private parts just to piss off the censors for this site! :)**

**...Psyche! Gotcha!**

**TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL XD**

**("MMMHMHMMH!")**

**("AHHH! GET BACK INTO YOUR CAGE! Don't make me use the otter!")**

**Peace out, everybody! ;)**

* * *

Kobra struggled as he pulled himself up the edge of a cliff. Letting out a grunt, he stopped as he heard a click.

Looking up, Kobra's eyes widened as he found himself staring into the barrel of a revolver.

"Kira sends her regards." A Texan voice drawled.

"Please no-"

BANG!


	3. Chapter Two: Denied

**Deadpool Armageddon, Or How I Fought Without Pants**

**("Hmm, it's been a couple of days. I wonder how this has been doing.")**

**Clickety clickety clickety.**

**("...OH COME ON! Five reviews?! Ugh! This is what I get for turning down a _good_ writer!")**

**("MMMMHMMHM!")**

**("GET BACK INTO YOUR CAGE, PAGE MONKEY! You're not going anywhere until I say otherwise! Now, let's see how many have favorited this-...aha! Look at that! Eleven favorites! Now we're getting somewhere! Let's read the reviews.")**

**Viomaat: "You're doing such a fun job of adapting Deadpool's metatextulism to fan fiction! And keeping in his disordered perception! I felt for him, ignored by Captain America, until we realize Wade kicked the bathroom door in!**

**I also really like how far we are into the story before it is revealed that Wade still does not have pants. And his Sisyphusian journey off the rock.**

**I love our red-blooded Canadian. Well done, Evolution-500. I salute you."**

**Deadpool here - always a pleasure! Evolution thanks you for your continued enjoyment and appreciates your support. ("Come out and say hi, Evolution!")**

**(Tape rips off.) ("*Gasp* Thank you for your support, now please, get me out-")**

**("ANNNND back on that goes!")**

**("MMMMMHMMHM!")**

**In terms of Steve, yeah...in retrospect I should have waited. This whole Mortal Kombat business is something else. Hopefully there will be time for me to get some fresh pants on. **

**Thanks again, my man! ;)**

**Dead344156: "Best fanfic EVER! Cano or whats his name gonna be pissed that there's a better merc with a mouth now. **

** Also. Deadpool. **

** Ill give you the ultimate mexican taco if you release him."**

**Deadpool here - welcome to the party, my brother/sister/cousin/uncle/thing! Glad to see you appreciating my work!**

**("MMMMMHM!")**

**...Oh yeah, and Evolution does, too. It's hard finding good help these days!**

**Have no idea who this Cano/Kano dude is, but I look forward to meeting him. :)**

**OOH! The ultimate taco, you say? My man, now we are talking! Big question, though - what do you mean by release "him"? Who? The Kraken? I did that once, but that was by accident. It's quite the funny story-**

**("MMMHMMHM!")**

**("What?! What?! Wait...OHHHHHH!" O.O)**

**You mean Evolution? No need to worry, my dude, Evolution is just fine! He likes being locked up in a cage!**

**("MMMMHMMHMMH!" *Shakes head vigorously.)**

**Besides which, I can't let him go. Sorry, dude! I'll gladly accept the taco, though. :) ****Next!**

**SkorchNTorch: ****"This is honestly really dumb, and I love every single word of it. Keep it coming."**

**With pleasure, my man! ;)**

**("OOH, one more message from Anonymous! I wonder what it says.")**

**Anonymous: "I think it would be cool if you gave Bob a major role and replaced Deadpool."**

**Damn it, Bob, you're not getting a starring role! Nobody wants you!**

**(Rubs hands furiously together. "Okay, now that is settled, let us begin!") **

* * *

**Chapter Two: Denied**

_Tekunin Warship_

Light flashed before Deadpool's eyes as he suddenly felt himself drop down with a yell, a thud and grunt. Groaning, the Merc With The Mouth massaged his sore back.

"...God, I hate traveling!" he muttered as he sat up. Opening his eyes, Deadpool blinked at the abrupt change in setting. "Whoa!"

He was in a large spacious octagonal room that had a very strong sci-fi theme, suggesting that he was in some sort of ship or facility, with four massive spinning wall-mounted fans in the corner and two computer consoles with green-glassed visual screens that sat at opposite ends of the room, each one facing a very large vent or airduct. The screens flickered with scrolling data, none of which made a lick of sense to Deadpool. Looking up to the ceiling, he watched as a gigantic overhead spun.

"Man, that looks dangerous!" he said aloud.

**'Noooo, really?! What gave you that impression?'** The voice in his head said sarcastically.

"Ah screw you, voice in my head!" Deadpool retorted, his eyes wandering back to the consoles. "I wonder if this place has WIFI."

_'OOH! I bet it does!'_ The other voice said excitedly._ 'And where there's WIFI-'_

"There's internet!" Wade grinned beneath his mask.

**'Shouldn't we ask why Shao Kahn sent us here in the first place?'** The voice in his head stated.

"Who cares?" Deadpool shrugged. "Not my problem."

Moving to the console, he tapped on the keyboard, his fingers dancing a mile a second.

"YES! WE GOT WIFI!" he announced happily, throwing both fists up into the air. Rubbing his hands together, Deadpool laughed. "Now, time to check our email!"

He typed rapidly in his username and password, then pressed "Enter".

**YOU'VE GOT** **NO NEW MESSAGES, PUSSYPOWERED950.**

Wade stared at the screen for a few seconds, then pressed the refresh icon, then pressed it again.

He sighed. "Dammit, I had been hoping to hear back from that chick from that dating website!"

_**'I'm guessing she hadn't been impressed with our choice of username,'**_ the inner voice surmised.

"Probably." Deadpool conceded.

_'Oh well! Let's watch cat videos!'_ The other voice suggested.

"OOH! Great suggestion, voice in my head!"

* * *

**Half an hour later...**

Deadpool laughed hysterically as a bunch of people played trombone to a group of cows on the screen.

* * *

**One hour later...**

Deadpool looked up from the screen.

"I wonder what's going on?" he thought aloud, glancing around curiously. "I kind of thought someone would have been here, but there doesn't seem to be anyone around."

A floating mechanical ball buzzed noisily around in the air, scanning different parts of the room, then clumsily slammed itself into a wall as it crumbled, sparks flying in all directions.

"...Well that was odd." Deadpool commented, then glanced back to the monitor. "OOH! PORN!"

Click.

* * *

Shao Kahn groaned as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

**"Where the hell is Sektor?!"** he growled, pulling his hand away.

* * *

All throughout the Tekunin Warship were the bodies of cyborg ninjas sprawled on the floor, each one screaming as they all grabbed hold of their heads. Meanwhile, one cyborg with red armor stood alone in a room, clutching his helmeted head.

"MAKE IT STOP!" Sektor screamed. "BY THE ELDER GODS THERE'S...TOO MUCH...PORN!"

* * *

Wade happily typed into the console, humming to himself.

"Let's see, download a little of this. Download some of that music for my iTunes. Ooh, I've never seen that porno movie before!" he said excitedly.

**_'Are you sure it's a good idea using this thing to download all of this porn?'_** The voice in his head asked uncertainly. **_'You do remember what happened that one time on the Helicarrier, right?'_**

"Oh come on, you're exaggerating!" Deadpool argued.

**_'So the fact that the entire system crashed and the engines stopped running at the time when you had been downloading porn was purely coincidence?' _**The voice said doubtfully.

"Uh, duh! Besides which, nobody can prove that was me! That could have been anything! Hydra and AIM are always messing about. Maybe it was them!"

_**'We were the only ones onboard.'**_ The voice said pointedly.

"...Okay I may have been a _teensy_ bit responsible, but that's all in the past!" Deadpool declared. "Besides, look at how high-tech this place is! There's no way that could happen here! You know what they say about lightning striking twice, right?"

_'I don't, to be honest.'_

Wade shrugged. "Whatever. OOH, look at this! I must have that for my collection!"

**_'Why would you possibly need this much porn?! You have TONS back at your apartment!'_**

"To keep the ones I have company of course! Hey, you never know, dude! What if WW3 were to happen and we had to stock up on supplies and hide in underground bunkers! Better safe than sorry, dude."

**_'...I fail to see the logic in having this much porn.'_**

Deadpool shrugged. "Just go with the flow, my man! There's never such a thing as too much porn! OH HELL YES! MORE PORN!"

_**'...*Sigh* Why do I even bother?'**_

* * *

Wade waited by the screen, watching it intently as he continued download more and more.

"ANNNNNND-"

The download icon suddenly vanished, causing him to blink in confusion.

"Huh? What the hell?"

Words scrolled across the screen: PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME!

**_'Look, even the computer is telling you enough is enough!'_** His inner voice chastised.

"Nonsense!" Deadpool shook his head vigorously. "Oh look at this - another porno I haven't seen! Cuh-lick!"

The screen suddenly died.

"Huh? What just happened?"

_**'Looks like I was right. You blew the system. Again.'**_ Came the deadpan response.

"No I didn't!" Deadpool argued. "It'll work. The last time it happened the alarms were going-"

ARRRRROOOOOOOO!

_"ATTENTION! PLEASE EVACUATE TO THE NEAREST EXIT IMMEDIATELY!"_

**_'...You were saying?'_**

Deadpool started to frantically press at the console.

"Come on, come on!"

When that didn't work, he did what every right-minded person would do in this situation - punch and kick at the console.

"WORK, DAMMIT!"

He slammed his fists and feet down, sending up pieces of equipment up as he continued beating the machine.

_**'Uh, I don't think that will work, chief!'**_

"Don't worry it will! I know what I am doing!"

Smoke rose from the console.

_'...Is that something that's supposed to happen?'_

**_'...I think it's time to leave. Right. Now!'_**

"Don't need to tell me twice!" Deadpool nodded as he edged toward the door, his eyes focused on the screen. Turning around, the mercenary ran forward...only to find himself colliding face-first into the metal door.

"OY!" Deadpool yelled. Peeling himself away, he felt around for a control panel, button, something. Finding nothing, Wade's eyes widened. "Uh oh."

Grabbing hold of the door, he tried prying it open, grunting furiously as he moved in different positions, pushing, clawing and pulling in every known direction. No matter how hard he tried, it wouldn't budge. He then started to pound at the door.

"HEY! IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE?! I'M STUCK!"

He waited a minute, then two, tried again. When nobody answered, the Merc with The Mouth pulled away.

"...Well, shit." Deadpool muttered. "This isn't good!"

**_'Try the other doors!'_**

Twisting around on his heels, Deadpool bolted to the nearest door. He was just a foot away when everything exploded all around him.

* * *

"Ugh," Wade groaned as he opened his eyes. "Where am I?"

A loud sorrowful wail answered him, and as his eyes cleared, the more perplexed he became. He was in a dark forest of some kind, but all of the trees had humanoid faces. Even worse, some of these same trees were groaning, growling, whispering and making all sorts of bizarre noises.

"...Uhh, okay...where the hell am I?" Deadpool repeated to himself.

**'Good question.'** Came the response.

Looking around, he saw the smoking remains of the ship that he had been on along with a number of crashed trees and torn robot bodies, some of which the trees themselves were feasting on, gobbling up hungrily. Looking at his own person, Wade found his torso partially impaled on several branches, looking down to the ground. His lower half, however, was stuck on some other branch.

"OH COME ON!" He yelled.

"Did you hear something?" Came a snarling voice.

"Sounds like a human! Search the area!" A deeper one growled.

Turning his head toward the ground, Deadpool watched as a group of...people...or...things appeared. They were generally humanoid, but they all had unusually large mouths with rows of razor-sharp teeth and blades protruding out from their forearms.

"Who the hell are these guys?" Deadpool wondered aloud.

"What happened here?" One of the creatures grunted.

"Some sort of crash." Another sniffed as it picked a cybernetically augmented arm. Growling in displeasure, the beast man tossed the limb aside. "Cyber-Lin Kuei trash...none of this is edible! Baraka will be displeased."

"Let's keep searching," A beast man in a black gi urged. "We're bound to find something of value."

Turning his head away, Deadpool looked to his lower half, then slowly reached for it, his gloved fingers brushing against his calves.

"Wait..." One of the voices below called, "I found something!"

Glancing down, Wade watched as the creatures gathered below, surrounding one of their own as he held something up. It was a red article of clothing.

What is that?

It was then he noticed the black diamonds on it. Reaching up to his face, he felt around, then stopped. Nothing there.

Down below, the creatures were passing the mask around to study. One of them leaned forward and inhaled its scent deeply, then started gagging with disgust as it threw the mask to the ground.

"GAH! What is that awful smell?!" The creature coughed, stomping on it with its boot.

Looking to his armpit, Deadpool sniffed himself.

"I don't smell that bad," he shrugged.

_**'It's been a while since you bathed,'**_ the voice in his head reminded.

"Everybody's a critic," Deadpool lamented. "There's nothing wrong with a little testosterone! Women like the smell of that, don't they?"

**_'...I'm pretty sure they don't. Not our brand of smell.'_**

Deadpool looked straight in front of him.

"HEY! EVOLUTION! C'MERE!" He said, reaching out from the screen as he grabbed the duct-taped author, pulling him face-first into the scene. Lifting up his armpit, Wade looked questioningly at him. "Do I smell bad?"

"MMHMHMHMH!" The author shook his head nervously, his face turning green.

"Are you sure?"

"MHMHMHMHM!"

"You're not just saying that, are you?"

"MMMHMHMHM!"

"I don't think you're being honest. Smell me!"

The author squawked and let out muffled screams as his face was shoved straight into Wade's armpit.

"Well, what do you think?" Wade asked expectantly.

"MMHMHMHMHMMHMHMHMHMHM!"

_**'Is this really a way to convince someone?'**_ The voice asked dryly.

"Meh." Deadpool shrugged, pulling the author away. "Okay, I think that's enough of that. So tell me, Evolution, what do you think? Do I smell? I promise I won't get angry."

The author was still for a moment, then gave a conceding nod.

Deadpool huffed. "Well fuck you, Evolution."

He threw the author back through the screen, the latter letting out a muffled yelp as he disappeared off the scene with a crash. Wade massaged his head.

"Now, let's find a way off this tree."

Reaching out to his lower half, Deadpool grasped onto his thighs, pausing for a moment as he felt around.

"Boy, I'm sure putting on weight," he said aloud. "Those tacos are really going to our hips!"

_**'Focus.'**_

Grabbing his lower half by the boxers, he started to pull.

* * *

RIP!

A Tarkatan looked up from a piece of wreckage.

"Did you just hear something?" He asked another beside him.

His comrade merely shrugged.

* * *

Meanwhile, all of the Elder Gods let out groans of disgust.

"By the Elder Gods." Raiden sighed as he massaged his temples with both hands.

* * *

"Oh god damn it!"

Deadpool let out a slew of curses as he struggled with the torn boxers. Suddenly, the wind picked up, causing them to flutter away from his fingers.

"No! No no no no."

He watched helplessly as they floated off into the distance, carried by the wind.

"...FUCK!"

_**'Focus, Wade! We need to get off this tree!'**_ The voice in his head reasoned. **_'Get a hold of yourself.'_**

Looking back to his exposed lower half, he grabbed hold of his thighs, then started to pull, grunting with exertion as he strained with all his might. Little by little, the lower half came slowly off the branches.

"Almost...there-"

Wade was cut off as a large fat crow suddenly landed on his left knee, the black bird blinking at him.

"Uhhh, hi."

The crow tilted its head uncomprehendingly, then hopped up his thigh.

Deadpool blinked. "What are you...?"

The bird lowered its head, looking directly at _him_. Deadpool's eyes widened in realization.

"No...NO!" He waved. "NO THAT IS MINE! BAD BIRDY!"

The crow grabbed the part with its beak, then started to pull.

"NO! THAT IS NOT YOURS!" Wade yelled as he grabbed the other end. "NNGNG! NNGNGNH! NAAAAAAH! GET OFF!"

* * *

Cetrion burst out laughing as she covered her blushing cheeks, watching alongside the other gods as the weirdest game of tug o'war was played on the sphere.

* * *

The Tarkatans looked around in confusion.

"Where is that screaming coming from?" One of them asked.

Nearby, a tree groaned.

The Tarkatans exchanged looks, shrugged, then continued on.

* * *

Meanwhile, Wade continued to pull on his lower half when more crows landed on top of him.

"OH COME ON!" He yelled to the sky.

One bird took a length of intestine as Wade punched one or two others out of the way with loud squawks. As he struggled, the lower half suddenly dropped. Waving the birds away, spitting as feathers spilled all around him, the Merc with The Mouth paused.

"Wait...where did my legs GOOAAAHHH!" He suddenly yelled as he fell.

* * *

Two Tarkatans blinked as feathers fell from the trees. Looking at each other in confusion, they looked up at the same time.

PLOP!

* * *

Deadpool shook his head, then looked down as he noticed the strange sensation in his stomach. Looking down, his eyes widened as he realized his predicament.

"Ahh crap."

_'DUDE! There's a dude inside you!'_ The voice in his head exclaimed.

"Yeah, and not in the fun way!" Deadpool replied. "Now where are my-"

"MMHMHMHM!" A man reared up from the ground, reaching up as he stumbled around with Deadpool's lower half stuck on top of his head.

The beast men turned as one to face him, their eyes widening.

"WHAT IS THAT?!" One of them pointed.

"IT'S A TARKATAN/SHOKAN ZOMBIE AND AN UNDEAD ELEPHANT!" Another exclaimed.

Deadpool waved his arms furiously. "NO NO NO, IT'S COOL, GUYS!"

"MMHMHMHMH!" ("HELP! HELP!") The man in his stomach cried.

"MHMHMHMHM!" ("GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!") The other cried as he stumbled away.

"HEY! COME BACK HERE WITH MY LEGS, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

* * *

The Elder Gods stared as chaos unfolded. A whole horde of Tarkatan warriors were chasing after Deadpool as the unlucky Tarkatan stuck within him wandered about, one of the warriors yelling "GIVE ME BACK MY BROTHER, YOU BASTARD!" as they pursued him.

"Where's Shao Kahn? Why isn't he doing anything?" Raiden muttered.

* * *

Back in Outworld, General Reiko watched as Shao Kahn played golf, striking a ball into a small cup in his throne room.

"...What are you doing, my lord?" The former asked.

**"Golf, Reiko,"** Shao Kahn answered. **"It's a sport from Earth Realm. Kano showed me how to play ages ago. It helps me relax and think now and then when something vexes me greatly."**

Reiko blinked in surprise. "Aren't you going to watch the tournament?"

The warlord was still for a moment, then shrugged. **"No."**

"But the Elder Gods will want-"

**"'But the Elder Gods will want',"** Shao Kahn mimicked in a petulantly high-pitched voice before resuming normally, **"Fuck the Elder Gods! As long as that imbecile is a part of it, I'm not going to wait around and see what else happens. He's an embarrassment that's taking all of the fun out of killing! Now leave me, I want to be in peace."**

A soldier came running into the throne room, kneeling down with his head bowed.

"My lord, I have news about the Earth Realmer! Baraka is fighting with him!"

Shao Kahn dropped the golf club.

**"At last, a battle between warriors! This is what I have been waiting for! Let us revel in their bloodshed! What glorious battle awaits?!"** He boomed as he raised up an orb.

Whatever hope the warlord had faded as he stood there, staring in disbelief as both Deadpool and Baraka were being chased by a VERY large and irate badger.

"WAHA! IT'S A BADGER!" Deadpool yelled. "GET AWAY! GET AWAY! BAD BADGER! BAD BADGER! NYAHA!"

Letting out a tired sigh, he threw the orb over his shoulder. **"Fuck it."**

* * *

Deadpool grunted as he crawled along the ground of the forest. His body was completely gone - what remained was his head supported by a pair of arms on both sides.

"NGNGN! Stupid face tree. Stupid badger," he grumbled. "Had to go and eat my legs and body. Now I'm fucking Mr. Potato Head."

He continued to crawl forward, wiping his forehead.

"Phew! Looks like it's going to be a long day!"

* * *

**Deadpool here - hope everybody enjoyed that! Yes, I referenced my own video game, so sue me (please don't). **

**And now here are a bunch of private parts just to piss off the censors! **

* * *

Meanwhile, Evolution emerged from the manhole cover, looking around nervously. Pulling himself out, he looked to the sun overhead.

"HAHAHA!" He laughed deliriously, half-crazed. "I'M ALIVE!"

THWACK!

He fell to the ground unconscious.

"Annnnd just where do you think YOU'RE going?!" Deadpool asked, the baseball bat resting on his shoulder. "We haven't even started. Come on, you!"

The Merc With The Mouth whistled as he dragged the body away.


	4. Chapter Three: The Forgotten

Evolution opened his eyes dazedly, wincing at the light overhead. He was strapped to a chair in a dimly lit room with a table and another chair facing him with a door behind it. The door opened, revealing Deadpool.

"So, you thought you could just get away, huh?!" he spoke as he entered the room. "Do you have any idea, ANY IDEA AT ALL, what you've put the readers through?! The lengths I had to go through just to find you?!"

Evolution gulped, shaking his head as the Merc with The Mouth stepped closer.

"...Weeeelll, admittedly it wasn't that hard to find you, but that's besides the point! The point is..." he leaned forward, "...we've got messages to respond to!" He took out his cellphone and slammed it onto the table. "READ!"

* * *

**CLICKETY CLICKETY.**

**("Okaayyy, let me just log in, annnnnnnd….done!****"...Up to..****….Seven reviews and...fourteen favorites! YES! Now what does this review say?")**

**Viomaat: "So happy to see this!"**

**Deadpool: Glad to have you, Viomaat! :) Now if only there were more people reviewing.**

**"****Hey, I'm published IRL and you're getting more reviews than me!"**

**NONSENSE, I say! I demand worship! I demand statues of me built! I demand-**

**("WADE! Evolution here. What Deadpool means to say is that we appreciate your reviews and your continued enjoyment.")**

**("GET BACK INTO YOUR CHAIR!")**

**("PLEASE SEND HELP!")**

**"Ha! I'm not getting between Deadpool and his muse."**

**Very wise decision. ("Okay, the chair isn't doing anything - time to put you back into the cage.") **

**"Ooh, I think I saw Deadpool fight a Kracken once. It was great. So much quality violence and metatexrtualism."**

**(*Wipes away tears from under mask.)("It's great to be appreciated!")**

**"Ha! Kthanid cares not for your delicate horror of porn."**

**(Deadpool stares at the screen, puzzled.)**

**….Uhh, yeah!**

**(Sound of tape being ripped off.) ("OW!") ("Oh hush, you baby! Hey, uh, do you have any idea what he's talking about?")**

**("Kthanid is the brother of Cthulhu.")**

**("...Cthulhu?")**

**("You never heard of H.P. Lovecraft?")**

**("Sure I have! I have seen plenty of her porn movies!")**

**("No he's not-")(*Takes a deep breath.)("Lovecraft was a writer from the 1920s who is known for being one of the fathers of horror and-")**

**("Blah blah blah, get to the point, skippy.")**

**("Basically Cthulhu is a tentacled cosmic entity that is so powerful and horrifying that his mere presence and conception causes insanity.")**

**("Soooo Justin Bieber and Donald Trump in other words.")**

**("No not...weelll….yes.")**

**("I KNEW IT! I KNEW there was something weird about their hair! I swear, one time I was looking at them in some photographs from one angle and a pair of round eyes just suddenly popped out on top!")**

**("That did not happen.")**

**("It did too! After the eyes appeared, a hand reached up from the hair and started waving at me!")**

**("Whose hair? Bieber's? Trump's?")**

**("YES!")**

**(…"Moving on, it should be noted that MK's Elder Gods are of a different variety than Lovecraft's-")**

**("*SNORT! Hee hee hee, Lovecraft! I am sooo taking that as my name!")**

**("Next!")**

**"Omg, that's great. fourth wall gone again.**

**that was a lot of fun. Thank you."**

**My absolute pleasure, sir! Sometimes everybody needs a laugh, especially during these crappy and depressing times. Remember, social distancing is key. Wash your hands, stay safe and healthy, play video games, read, write, whatever - it may seem like things are going bad, but do whatever you can to get by without hurting anyone and don't lose your ability to laugh and smile. Whatever is thrown your way, don't ever let those be taken away from you. Find something that will bring joy to you and/or your friends and family. That goes to everyone reading this.**

**And for God's sake don't drink or inject yourself with bleach; I did it once and let me tell you - not fun! Of course, it helps having a healing factor, but still, moral of the story is...don't do stupid shit, that's my job! **

**No. **

**Seriously. **

**Do you have any idea how long and hard it took for me to become a dumbass and to get where I am now?! **

**….Weelll admittedly it's not very hard to be one, but still! Your job is to be safe and healthy - leave all the stupid shit for me! I have a PH.D. in being a moron colored in crayon, signed by yours truly.**

**Now if you'll excuse me, I have markers to eat.**

**OOH! One last message from Anonymous:**

**"OH MY GOD! I Love this story so far! Please make more chapters!" **

**With pleasure, good sir! :)**

**Hope you enjoy the story, everyone!**

**(*Rubs hands furiously.)("Now that mushy stuff is out of the way, time to get back to it.")**

**The Amazing Adventures of Squirrel Junk Johnson**

* * *

A reader stares blankly at the screen.

"What the fuck? That's not what I was-"

* * *

**PSYCHE! :P**

**Okay okay, here's the actual title:**

**Deadpool: Armageddon, Or How I Fought Without Pants**

**By his royal awesomeness known as Deadpool (with some help from his worthless hack buddy who shall not be named)**

**("HEY!")**

**("Okay, okay.")**

**Delete delete.**

**(with some help from his worthless hack buddy Evolution)**

**("Happy?")**

**("...You're a dick, Wade.")**

**("Thank you. Now get back into your cage.")**

**("No please don't-MHMMHMH!") (Creak and sound of a cage shutting.)**

**("Now, what else? Oh yes!")**

**Warning: I've got something to tell you - I'm pregnant and it's YOUR baby!**

**(*Claps hands together* "Right, I think that's that.")**

* * *

**Chapter Three: The Forgotten**

It was the sweltering heat that woke Deadpool up.

Opening his eyes, Wade sat upright and stretched.

"Uhh, God, that's the last time I'm drinking bleach and eating crayons. Now where the he-"

Deadpool paused as he took in his surroundings.

He was on a rocky platform with five spiky edges that seemed to be rising and falling simultaneously. Studying its shape, it appeared as if he were on a giant stony hand. All around him were pools of lava with screaming people bubbling up from them, some of them falling from the black sky on fire.

_'...Looks like we're in Jersey,'_ one of the voices commented nonchalantly.

"How did we get here?" Deadpool asked.

_**'Obviously the blood supply to operate both our arms and head wasn't quite enough,'**_ the other voice reasoned. **_'Add to the fact that we didn't have a heart-'_**

"Okay, okay, that makes sense." Deadpool stopped. "Wait a minute, if we have our body again, does that mean..."

He looked down at himself. "OH COME ON!"

Even though he still had his top and mask on, he was still devoid of pants.

"...At least I have my boxers back."

_**"WHO DARES ENTER MY REALM?!"**_ A thunderous voice roared, causing the world to quake, the platform to freeze in place, and Deadpool to cringe.

Turning around, Deadpool watched as a massive, red and black Tyrannosaurus Rex rose from the lava, the creature hundreds of feet tall, its eyes a pair of orange glowing lanterns that gleamed with a dark intelligence that spoke of untold of centuries' worth of knowledge, its skin sizzling, meaty and charred along the back. Blisters formed on parts, but the creature didn't seem to be in any sort of pain. Together with its perpetually grinning mouth lined with razor sharp teeth, the thing looked incredibly sinister.

"...Didn't I see you in a movie attacking Tokyo?" Deadpool queried.

The dinosaur opened its mouth, unleashing a fiery blast that incinerated his body.

Deadpool stood in place, his costume smoking. "...Ow."

The creature blinked, then tilted its head.

_**"...INTERESTING...YOU STILL LIVE REGARDLESS?" **_It asked without moving its lips and mouth, its voice echoing.

Deadpool shrugged. "Shit happens."

The dinosaur looked at him in confusion, then let out a deep, rumbling chuckle.

_**"YOU AMUSE ME, MORTAL. I SENSE GREAT SUFFERING AND AGONY IN YOUR HEART,"**_ the creature spoke cryptically. He stared at him for a long while, then exhaled. "...**PERHAPS**_** I WILL NOT KILL YOU TODAY."**_

The Merc With The Mouth blinked.

"Oh, uh thanks...I guess," he said, looking at the beast before him from top to bottom. "Who are you?"

The creature snorted, exhaling sulfur.

_**"I AM DIABLO," **_the dinosaur answered,_** "GOD OF EVIL AND LEADER OF THE DESTRUCTIVE BEASTS. **__**65 MILLION YEARS AGO, I ALONG WITH SEVERAL OTHERS HAD BEEN CAST DOWN FROM THE SURFACE. I KNOW NOT WHERE THEY ALL RESIDE, BUT I WAS SEALED IN THIS MISERABLE REALM, WAITING EONS FOR THE BONDS OF FORBIDDING TO SUBSIDE."**_

"That sounds metal!" Wade nodded. "Do you happen to know Shiklah?"

_**"SHIKLAH DOES NOT EXIST HERE, MORTAL,"**_ Diablo answered.**_ "YOUR HELL IS NOT PART OF THE NETHERREALM."_**

Deadpool blinked.

"Oh," he said dumbly. "Sooo….you rule this place?"

The creature snarled.

_**"NO. AN IMPOSTER, A FALLEN ELDER GOD NAMED SHINNOK, CLAIMS THIS REALM AS HIS OWN."**_ He snorted. _**"FOOL."**_

"What happened?"

Diablo shrugged.

_**"NOTHING. I MERELY HAD BEEN ASLEEP. HAD I KNOWN, I WOULD HAVE CONSUMED THE FECULENT CREATURE AND PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE LONG AGO."**_ He explained.

"Oh. So what woke you?"

_**"THE CALL."**_

"The call?"

**_"THE SOUND OF THE REALMS SCREAMING__. REALITY'S DEATH CRIES."_** Diablo lifted its head, its lantern eyes shining along with its fearsome teeth in a horrible grin. **_"CAN YOU HEAR IT? __YOUR PITIFUL SPECIES ARE GATHERING FOR THE COMING BATTLE ACROSS ALL OF SPACE AND TIME, BUT IT IS ALL MERELY PAVING THE WAY FOR US." _**

"You're saying that you did this? You're involved with this?"

Diablo scoffed.

**_"NO. I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR YOUR KIND. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO ASSOCIATE MYSELF WITH YOUR DISGUSTING RACE OR YOUR MEANINGLESS SQUABBLES, JUST AS YOU WOULD AN ANT'S, SIMIAN."_**

"...You...racist."

The creature raised its mighty head to the black, starless sky.

**_"ONE DAY, THE BONDS OF FORBIDDING WILL BE BROKEN, AND WHEN IT DOES, I WILL BE SET FREE. I DON'T NEED TO PARTICIPATE OR INVOLVE MYSELF WITH YOUR AFFAIRS, MONKEY - ALL I HAVE TO DO IS WAIT. TIME IS ON MY SIDE, AND I CAN AFFORD TO BE PATIENT."_**

The two remained quiet for some time. Shifting in discomfort, Wade cleared his voice.

"...Sooo," the mercenary began, "...can you send me back?"

Diablo looked back down to him, then shook his head. **_"IT IS NOT WITHIN MY POWER TO DO SO. WHILE I STILL HAVE POWER, IT IS LIMITED TO THIS REALM."_**

"Is there any way to get back? I've got shit to do."

The creature regarded him.

_**"...HOWEVER..."**_ the former said slowly, his teeth exposed, its mouth forming an ugly grin, _**"...PERHAPS THERE MAY BE A WAY WE CAN...HELP EACH OTHER..."**_

Deadpool put his hands on his hips.

"What do you want me to do?" He asked expectantly.

Diablo raised up its tiny two-fingered clawed hands, rubbing them deviously.

**_"FIRST, I NEED YOU TO FIND SOMEONE FOR ME..."_**

* * *

Deadpool wandered through the planes of the Nether Realm, his boots crunching on pieces of bone.

Screams of the damned filled the air while zombies obliviously wandered about in the orange desolate wasteland.

Great ribbed bones protruded out from the ground amidst vast valleys of flesh. Horned demons huddled together, munching and fighting over some piece of meat while Deadpool wandered by unnoticed.

"Huh, I'm surprised by how chill things are around here," The Merc With The Mouth said aloud. "I'd thought by now that somebody would have-"

RAAAAAAOOOOOOAAAARRRRRR!

"...Never mind." Deadpool said dryly.

Turning around, he watched as a huge beast lumbered toward him. It was huge, nowhere near as large as Diablo, but pretty damn large, about ten feet tall with bulging muscles, its hide blue. It looked very simian in appearance, like a large blue ape, but it had four fingers, three glowing yellow eyes with harness wrapped around its chest and a loin cloth covering its crotch. A thick mohawk-like mane ran along the length of its back, reminding Wade of a warthog or a bison.

Crawling on all fours toward him, the beast grunted as chains rattled, clutching a thick steel ball with a chain wrapped around his arm. Looming over Deadpool, the creature sniffed him, then recoiled.

"Weird man smell funny," he rasped.

"You smell funny, too," Deadpool retorted, then smiled. "Want to be friends?"

The creature considered it for a moment.

"No."

Deadpool blacked out as the ball impacted his head.

* * *

Wade opened his eyes briefly as he found himself being dragged along the bone-covered ground before passing out again.

* * *

"What do you have there, Moloch?" An unfamiliar voice asked amidst a loud buzzing noise.

"Moloch found weird man wandering about." The blue ape's voice replied. "Weird man smelled funny."

Deadpool dazedly opened his eyes to see a skinless man in a stylized green demonic mask with an iron club mounted on his right arm approaching him. Flies surrounded the figure, buzzing around in the air. Wade's nose crinkled beneath his mask as the smell of decay hit him.

The man studied him, grabbing hold of his mask as he passed out.

* * *

Deadpool felt a hard slap stir him awake.

"Wake up." Somebody commanded with a deep yet melifluous voice.

Opening his eyes, Deadpool found himself in a bloody temple made of bones on his hands and knees, his arms and legs bound up in chains to a thick brick wall. On either side of him was the blue ape and the masked man.

"HELP!" He yelled. "I NEED AN ADULT! SAFE WORD! SAFE WORD!"

A strong hand backhanded him. "Be silent."

Raising up his head, he then found himself staring into a pair of cold, calculating blood red eyes.

The man was deathly pale, with a well-built body, strong Hindu features, a hawkish hook nose and a bald head, his forehead marked with a red dot in the center. On both sides of his brow were a pair of black lines akin to clown make-up and a red runic symbol in between, just slightly above the dot itself. Bare-chested, his forearms were marked with bloody red runes and scars, his hands covered in black gloves, his pants black with a green cloth draped down from his belt. On one shoulder was a spiked shoulder piece that was supported by a harness strapped across his bare chest.

Deadpool watched as the man observed him cross armed, tilting his head from side to side.

"You are a curious one," the man said as he examined him. "You resemble the undead of this realm, and yet you still live. Who are you?"

Wade waved. "The name's Deadpool."

The man arched a brow. "'Deadpool'?"

The Merc With The Mouth shrugged.

"Long story," he replied. Deadpool then shifted. "Listen, uh, could you undo these cuffs, please? I really need to scratch something-"

The man slapped him again.

"You talk too much," he said in a bored voice.

Deadpool grinned beneath his mask.

"Hey, what can I say? I'm not called the 'Merc With The Mouth' for nothing!" The merc replied as he gave him a once-over. "What's your deal with the S&M get up?"

Wade suddenly gasped, not giving the man a chance to respond. "Wait a minute...I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE! YOU'RE A CLOWN!"

The man blinked. "...What?"

"I KNEW IT! YOU'RE A CLOWN!" Deadpool shouted before resuming in a normal voice, "I have to admit the whole bald wrinkly baby goth thing threw me in a loop for a second, but I know that look anywhere! Even without the big, stupid-looking floppy feet I can spot one of you a mile away! So tell me, why are you keeping here for? Is this a sex thing? It's for sex, isn't it? WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE ME, I'M SAVING MYSELF FOR SOMEBODY SPECIAL! What are those markings on your arms and head? Why do you have a red dot on your forehead? Can I poke it? Will you self-destruct if I do? AHH! SPIDER! Are you wearing make-up, or are you naturally melanin deficient? Are there any hot chicks around here? Where is the nearest taco restaurant? If you want to call the author, hang up and dial the number again, BEEP! Press one if you want to call long distance. Press two if you think Wolverine's butt looks great in yellow spandex. Press three if you want me to stop. I'm kidding, you can't stop me! Press four if you want me to slap you. Press five if you want me to continue. Press six if you want to discuss the meaning of life. Can you tell me what part of Hell I'm in? Who's your daddy? Is there a bathroom around here? Too late. Why is that vein in your forehead throbbing so much?"

* * *

Quan Chi massaged his sore head as the chained up man continued to ramble and rant. Letting out a sigh, he chanted an incantation, causing the man's mouth to freeze.

"EES ET SO'THIN I SHAID?" He spoke in a garbled voice.

Quan Chi stared at him with disdain.

"By the gods," the sorcerer breathed, "you are by far the most IRRITATING being that I have ever come across. I wanted to torture you, but after hearing your insane blather, I would rather have a tarantula _lay eggs in my ear_ than have to listen to your voice again."

He turned away to address Drahmin.

"Take him to the dungeon and get him out of my sight," Quan Chi ordered. "I don't want to _see_ or _hear_ him until I am ready. You and Moloch can have your fun with him."

Drahmin looked over at the chained man. "With pleasure."

The sorcerer watched in satisfaction as the Oni-Destroyer reared his iron club arm back and smashed the fool across the face, knocking the man out.

* * *

Deadpool's eyes fluttered open.

"...Ow." He winced.

Looking around, he found himself in a dark cell. Rats crept along the corners, one of them poking their way out of a nearby skull.

The mercenary stared, then sighed.

"Well, this looks fun."

He snapped his thumbs, causing him to cringe. A few shuffles later, he pulled his hands free from their cuffs before popping this thumbs back into place again with a wince.

"Damn it that smarts!"

_**'Okay, now how about the leg cuffs, bright guy?'**_

"...I didn't think that far ahead." He heard the voice in his head let out a groan of disbelief as he pulled the top half of his mask up, "But, I have an idea."

* * *

Wade grunted as he crawled on his belly along the floor toward the other side of his cell away from the rats, his gnawed off feet in his hands.

**_'...I can't believe you just did that.'_** The voice deadpanned.

He shrugged.

"Meh. Could have used some garlic," the mercenary said as he rolled over onto his back. "Okay, now to attach these bad boys back on."

He leaned forward with his feet in hand, then watched as the skin and bone started mend. He waited a few minutes on the cold stone floor, then stood up.

"Annnnd good as new!" Deadpool said happily. Facing the door, he reared his leg back, then lashed out with a kick, knocking it off its rusty hinges. "Back in business, baby! Now let's find this 'Shinnok' dude and kick his ass."

* * *

Raiden scanned the Living Forest.

"Do you see him anywhere, brother?" he asked.

Fujin shook his head. "No, I can't find him."

A frown formed on the Thunder God's face.

Where had Deadpool gone?

* * *

_"'Lollipop Lollipop_  
_Oh Lolli Lolli Lolli_  
_Lollipop Lollipop_  
_Oh Lolli Lolli Lolli_  
_Lollipop Lollipop_  
_Oh Lolli Lolli Lolli_  
_Lollipop.'"_

Deadpool popped his lips as he wandered around the dungeon singing the tune loudly.

_"'Lollipop Lollipop_  
_Oh Lolli Lolli Lolli_  
_Lollipop Lollipop_  
_Oh Lolli Lolli Lolli_  
_Lollipop Lollipop_  
_Oh Lolli Lolli Lolli_  
_Lollipop. *pop*'"_

**_'...Not that we don't appreciate your singing, but shouldn't you be focused on, oh I don't know, STEALTH?!'_** The voice in his head admonished.

Deadpool thought about it. For a second. Then shrugged. "Nope."

Torches flickered as he strutted around the dark corridors singing, the cries of the damned wailing outside.

From the shadows, a pair of glowing pale eyes watched and followed.

* * *

"Lollipop lollipop-"

A ninja star struck the floor in front of him, causing Deadpool to stop.

"What the- Who's there?" He asked as he looked around.

A shadow lengthened along the floor from a nearby corner behind him, slithering in front of him like a snake, just stopping a few feet ahead of him. A black hand reached up, then an arm. Deadpool watched as a black ninja emerged from the shadow as if he were climbing from a pool of ink.

"You should have stayed quiet," the dark ninja said ominously.

Deadpool shrugged.

"Meh." He said simply. He then looked at him from top to bottom. "Who are you supposed to be?"

The ninja straightened himself.

"I," he began, "am Noob Saibot, former member of the Brotherhood of...why are you laughing?!"

Deadpool snickered.

"Sorry, sorry. Did you say that your name is 'Noob'?" he asked.

He watched as the ninja scowled, holding his hands on his hips.

"You dare laugh at my name, mortal?" Noob said darkly. "I will have you know that those names are of the two most powerful demons in the Nether Realm, both of which at this very moment possess this body."

He tightened his black fists.

"For your insolence and mockery, you will die by my hand," Noob said as he got into a fighting stance, imitating a monkey's movements.

Deadpool shrugged, then got into a fighting pose of his own.

"Bring it on, Noobie."

**"Round One."** Shao Kahn's voice boomed. **"FIGHT!"**

Taking a step forward, Deadpool ducked down to the ground, throwing an uppercut that lifted the ninja up into the air and crash through the ceiling. Blinking, Wade stared at the hole up above, then back to his fist.

"Damn! I had no idea I was that strong!" he mused.

_'Duh, of course we are! We're AWESOME!' _The voice in his head replied.

He shrugged as he wandered away. "Can't argue about that. Now, where do we go-"

CRACK!

Deadpool winced as he was knocked straight onto his back.

"OOOOOOWWWWW!" He groaned, massaging his sore jaw. "What the fuck, man? Who-"

He paused at the sight of the smoking grey red-eyed robot in front of him.

"Annnnd who are you supposed to be?"

"I am Smoke, Unit LK-7T2," the machine answered in a flat voice.

Deadpool rubbed his jaw as he got back up onto his feet.

"That was quite the mean punch you got there, Smokey Bear," he commented. "Why are you-"

Wade was cut off as Noob appeared beside him.

"Oh." He then looked at the two of them. "Sooo, what are you? Friends? Partners? Sex toy and user?"

"Master and servant, cretin," Noob answered with a growl as he and Smoke got into a stance.

"Oh, so the latter." Deadpool said nonchalantly, prompting them both to charge toward him and send a flurry of kicks and punches.

Wade blocked high and low, dodging, weaving and countering each strike with blows of his own before leaping high into the air with his legs outstretched as he spun, his feet catching both opponents across the face, knocking them onto their backs.

Noob raised his legs to his chest, then propelled himself forward back onto his feet again alongside Smoke, the two of them getting into fighting poses. The latter reared back, releasing a thick blazy hazy fog in his wake, causing Deadpool to cough as he waved his arms.

"*Cough*Cough* What the hell was that?! Did the robot just fart on me-"

Deadpool was cut off as a flying kick from Noob sent him crashing through a barred cell door, the mercenary crashing through, smashing chains off walls.

Wade writhed on the ground. "OOh God, that hurt. You know for a noob you're not too ba-"

Creak.

Opening his eyes, he watched as a figure rose from the floor.

Outside the cell, the pale man appeared alongside Noob and Smoke through a green portal, pausing as he stared ahead, his eyes widening in fear.

_"What have you fools done?!"_ he cried.

Deadpool watched as the enchained man rose to his full height, a towering knight that must have been over nine feet tall with broad shoulders, a very wide and powerful-looking chest and equally strong arms.

Covered from head to toe in ornate Medieval armor with spiked pauldrons, the armor itself was largely red with traces of white, looking as if it had been freshly forged from intense fire or lava.

Nothing of the man himself was visible beneath all that armor, not even the helmet itself gave any indication as to what he looked like underneath.

His head encased in a long, Corinthian-styled helmet with a T-shaped visor and a row of spikes over the brow, forming a sort of crown, the visor itself was so tightly closed in that it just formed a black line, making it seem as if there was nothing but shadow.

Looking down to his wrists, the knight wrenched the chains off with a loud roar of rage, then shattered the rest off of his body.

Five demons ran out from the shadows, moving past Noob and Smoke, their eyes focused on the armored giant as they leapt toward.

Backhanding one out of the air with a mighty swing of his arm, killing it instantly, the knight caught hold of the second by the throat and smashed it against one of its own pack before violently flinging it down and crushing it underfoot.

Without moving his head, he grabbed hold of another as it clawed and snapped its jaws, snapping its neck with a loud crack and a mere twist of his wrist.

Dropping it indelicately onto the floor, the knight then grabbed hold of the final one as it attempted to flee, tearing it in half with his bare hands, all the while not making a sound, not uttering a word.

Orange and red gore colored the cell, covering the walls, floor and ceiling, his armored boots stained with offal.

Turning to face the trio standing outside, the large knight took a heavy, threatening step toward them, the ground trembling.

The pale man swallowed as he took a nervous step back.

"L-Lord Deimos." he said in a shaky voice.

The knight stood tall, his knuckles cracking.

"Quan Chi," he growled, his voice akin to bubbling lava. "It has been a _very_ long time, sorcerer."

Quan Chi let out a roar as he threw a green skull. Lord Deimos balled both hands into fists and stood firm, his form straightening, his arms drawn to his side as he flexed his muscles.

"EISEN KUSS!" He roared as an energy shield formed in front of him, deflecting the projectile back to its owner.

Crying out, the sorcerer fell to the floor, clutching his burnt chest.

Lord Deimos' hand glowed as it flexed open. Suddenly, a very, VERY long, thin flaming flamberge sword rose out from the ground, the sword practically as large as the knight himself, if not larger.

Letting out a deep, grating and bellowing laugh, the bloody red knight wrapped his fingers around the sword's grip and raised it off the ground challengingly.

"Your evil is _nothing_ compared to mine, sorcerer!" He seethed in rage. "The fire of my blade will smite your soul!"

Deadpool got up and joined his side, earning a curious look from him as he got into a fighting stance. "Yeah, what he said!"

Quan Chi struggled to get up. As the knight charged toward him with a roar, his sword raised high over his head, Noob and Smoke grabbed hold of the pale man, their forms disappearing as the flaming weapon slammed down into the stone floor, creating a massive crater.

Deadpool watched as Lord Deimos pulled his sword out from the floor with a growl.

"You cannot escape me, wretch!" The latter yelled. "I will have my vengeance!"

Turning to face Deadpool, the knight regarded him for a moment, then gave a slight nod.

"My gratitude for breaking me from my cell." He said curmudgeonly.

Deadpool gave a smile and a thumbs up. "Nooo problem!"

The giant of a knight stared at him, then turned away.

"Soo, uh, what's your name?" Deadpool asked.

He stopped in his tracks. "I am Lord Deimos, former ruler of Bavaria and Founding Member of the Covenant of the Seven."

"Bavaria! Nice! My kind of place!" Deadpool said excitedly. "What is the Covenant of the Seven, though?"

The knight's hand tightened around the sword's handle in agitation. "A story from long ago. But enough - I have a sorcerer to kill."

Deadpool watched as Lord Deimos raised up the flaming sword, the blade resting on his spiked shoulders as he headed toward the other end of the room. Pausing, he glanced over his shoulder.

"We _will_ meet again," the knight growled out in promise. "I _always_ remember my debts."

As the red knight disappeared through an archway, Deadpool waved.

"See ya later! Good luck with killing Clown-face! I'll be rooting for you all the way!" he called before speaking in a normal voice, "Man that guy is so fucking cool! I wonder if he has armor my size."

_'I bet he does!'_ One of the voices said excitedly.

**_'We should probably move on and find Shinnok. I don't think Diablo will be impressed if we come up emptyhanded.' _**The other voice reminded.

Deadpool nodded. "Probably not."

He then folded his arms and looked around at the four three different archways ahead of him.

"Eeny, meeny miny, moe." He pointed in different directions, then shrugged. "Meh. Whatever."

Taking a step forward, he continued on through the vast dungeon, scratching his ass as he wandered through the dark.

* * *

**ANNNND that concludes this chapter! Hope you enjoyed that, everybody!**

**Remember - wash your hands, stand at least two meters away from people, wear a mask and most of all, don't drink or inject yourselves with bleach - leave the stupid shit for yours truly!**

**Peace out, everybody! :)**


	5. Chapter Four: Mayhem

A man and woman stood on a green field beneath the setting sun, violins romantically playing and swelling in the background as John stared lovingly into Jane's eyes.

"Oh, Jane! I love you so!" he declared.

"Oh John!" Jane swooned as he held her close. "Do you really?"

"I do! I love you!" He exclaimed as he pulled her in closer.

She suddenly gasped. "John! I feel something hard pressing against me! It's sooooo big!"

John grinned proudly. "Indeed, my darling."

"Is that-?"

"Actually that's my ferret," Deadpool interrupted as he walked into the scene, the music cutting out to a screeching halt as he reached down into John's pants.

"What the- who are-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" John shouted, mortified by what was happening.

"Don't mind me, I'm just trying to get my ferret back. Mr. Squiggles? Mr. Squiggles? Come on, Mr. Squiggles, where are you?"

"WHY WOULD YOUR FERRET EVEN BE-" A lump started to form in the guy's crotch, then started to jiggle around, causing John to leap up into the air with a high-pitched and very unmanly scream. "WHAT THE F$(*?!"

"JOHN!" Jane gasped.

"Oh I'm sorry, but I have a man _STICKING HIS HAND DOWN MY PANTS!_"

From the inside of his pants, there came a chirp-like noise, drawing everyones' attention. Jane and John looked down, watching as a ferret's head poked up from the latter's boxers.

"Okay...What. The f#$%?" Jane muttered.

Pulling the ferret out, Deadpool tucked him into his shirt.

"There you are, little guy! I've been wondering what happened to you," Wade said as he petted its head. Looking back to John, the masked mercenary gave a sheepish grin. "Sorry about that, there's been a mix-up with our laundry, apparently. This little guy likes to nuzzle up in my shorts sometimes."

Jane looked at him in confusion. "Why would-"

"It's his fetish - nothing to worry about," Deadpool waved.

Before either confused parties could say a word, a cellphone went off. Taking out it from his pocket, Deadpool then started to check his messages.

"AHA! Seventeen favorites, baby! Let's see what the reviewers have to say."

* * *

**ABOOK: "LOL Great chapter! This totally fits Deadpool!**

**From his interaction with Raiden (only Wade would be able to test a god's patience) and the fight between him and Bo Rai Cho was...unique.**

**All and all, I love the humor and they way Wade talks with the MK cast! Looking forward to seeing more!"**

**Deadpool here! Welcome to the party, my man! We have tacos, nachos and plenty of dip to go around! :)**

**Let's see who else has commented.**

**"Anonymous: "I love it! This is probably my favorite fan fiction ever."**

**AWW! I'm so happy that it is! :) Thank you, Anonymous - hope you enjoy what comes next!**

**And another review from our favorite Viomaat: **

**"Wade. My man."**

**My dude! :)**

**"Breaker of the Fourth Wall."**

**That's me. :)**

**"Killer of the the Marvel Universe."**

**That was by accident. Kinda. So was the second time.**

**"You aren't reviewing my stuff."**

**In my defense, I've never seen "Pitch Black". Evolution has and from what I gathered, it's really good. According to him, anyway.**

**"Don't try to guilt me about not bringing hoards of worshipful fans to review yours. Love you, Wade, but be the change you want to see in the world."**

***Sigh* Fair enough, I guess. **

**"Also, Cthulhu and the Outer Gods Would Eat The Shit Out of Your Mere Mortal Combat Elder Gods."**

**(Evolution nods in agreement.)**

**"[and, okay, I can't say that I really understand the arcane, family drama madness that is the Lovecraftian pantheon. Or Donald Trump's role in it all. But I know it's HELLA CREEPY and I'd LIKE DEADPOOL TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT)."**

**I can try seeing if Dr. Strange would be interested in teaming up with this matter. **

**". . . Anyhoo. Why, oh why, do your metatextual gods want Deadpool to fight without pants? It's not like he's got Kevin Sorbo thighs."**

**OOH! Somebody's been looking at my thighs! You dog, you! ;)**

**(Deadpool starts doing all sorts of sexy poses in front of the screen.)**

**("Sexxxxxy mannn, sexy maaaann! Does anything a sex machine can!")**

**("WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, VIOMAAT?!")**

* * *

Upon seeing the horrible sight on the screen, Spiderman clutched hold of his eyes, screaming as he tried to get the image out of his head.

"AAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

* * *

In a section of Hell, Mephistopheles was searching the Internet.

_**"Hmmm, I wonder what new form of deviancy can be found on this site this time?"**_ He said aloud, rubbing his hands deviously with a menacing smile. _**"Ooooh, what's this?"**_

Clicking on the story, the smile disappeared altogether as he stared at the screen, his eyes widening with horror.

As Deadpool continued to pose in various disturbingly erotic positions, Mephistopheles stared for several seconds, then turned away and violently hurled into a garbage can.

* * *

Somewhere, the administrators shivered.

"That's disgusting!"

* * *

**( O_O )**

**("...….That's it, I'm out of here-")**

**("NO YOU DON'T, EVOLUTION!")**

**("Nope! I don't want to be here when the complaints start-")**

**("DING!")**

**("Oh no...")**

**("Too late! TROLOLOLOL! ****Continuing on!")**

**"It's not like he's got thighs that don't make me wanna ralph?"**

**Hey! I'll have you know I have GREAT thighs! I can break bricks with this ass! Who else can do that?!**

**(Evolution raises a brow as he tries dealing with the flood of administrator complaints.)**

**("Don't answer that, I was being rhetorical.")**

**To answer your question, I have no idea why Raiden didn't want me to put on pants. Maybe _he_ liked my thighs, unlike, ahem, _some_ people! Then again, he seemed awfully pushy. I wonder what's the deal with his red eyes.**

**"Like the Dinosaur."**

**Yeah, no idea who or what that's all about. ("Want to answer that, Evolution?")**

**("Glad to see somebody likes it. Diablo and Lord Deimos are Midway characters, the former from an awesome and old little gem called "Primal Rage", the latter from a game called "Mace: The Dark Age".)**

**("Okay, cool. Whatever.")**

**"Okay, are you on A03? because they allow copy/paste. Reviews are so much easier with copy/paste. I'm ratatosk there because I got there in time to claim an AWESOME name. grumble grumble lack of copy/paste."**

**Unfortunately this little grub doesn't have a profile on that site. (Deadpool glares at Evolution.)**

**"May Deadpool small ALL the walls."**

**Smell all the walls? Who goes around smelling walls?...Okay, you got me. Along with smashing walls, I do spend my time smelling walls, especially when dogs and hobos freshly urinate on them. It's a fetish, don't judge me!**

**And now back to our program. **

**"Deadpool: Armageddon, Or How I Fought Without Pants"**

**By Deadpool (with some help from the useless hack known as Evolution)**

**WARNING: To everyone not knowing what to expect, be warned - this isn't going to be your normal night of theater; this is going to be Shakespeare with a strap-on! You have been warned. PFFT ;P**

* * *

**Chapter Four: Mayhem**

Deadpool playfully jaunted through the various corridors and dungeons, ignoring the locked up demons.

"You make my dreams come true!" he sang.

_**'Do you have any idea where you're going?'**_ The voice in his head asked.

"Nope!" Deadpool answered. "Maybe I should ask somebody."

Looking to the occupied cell to his right, he approached. "Uh, excuse me, but do you know where-"

"GRAaaaaAAAGHGGGAHGH!" The demon snarled.

"Okay, thank you very much, Mr. Gurgle gurgle snarl gurgle splat. Is there anything else you want to add?"

"NNNGNGHGHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAHGHAAAAARGHH!"

"Uh huh. Thought so. Okay bye." Deadpool then looked to the next cell. "How about you, bud-"

He stopped at the sight of the chained skeleton.

"Oh. Never mind."

Continuing on, he looked around at the various barred doors as various demons of all varieties stared back and snarled. One particular demon looked like a cadaver with knives for limbs, its decapitated head suspended by an apparatus made from flesh and steel. Crawling around on the ceiling and walls like a spider, the creature hissed.

Deadpool stared at it for a moment.

"...That's a little weird."

He then shrugged and moved on.

* * *

A little while later, Deadpool stopped as a horde of demons started charging toward him.

"Well, well, well, looks like I'm going to be having some action after all-"

He cut himself off as they all started to pass by him. It was then he realized the truth of the situation - they weren't charging toward him specifically. Not at all.

From the wide-eyed expressions on their faces, something scared the absolute _hell_ out of them!

Even the _really_ big ones were running, looking as if they absolutely terrified by whatever chased after them, completely ignoring Deadpool.

"I wonder what had gotten them so spooked?" Deadpool said aloud.

He then turned around, bracing himself for whatever horror awaited.

It was then he heard the noise.

Scraping, as if something heavy was being dragged.

Moments later, a man in green sci-fi armor with a grey helmet and visor carrying a shotgun in one hand came stumbling by, dragging a massive bag full of weaponry behind him.

"*Pant*Pant* Jesus Christ!" The man groaned as he tugged on the giant bag behind him. "Phew!"

"Looks like you have quite the load there, buddy!" Deadpool commented.

The man fumbled around, pointing the shotgun at him.

"Whoa! I'm human! I'm human!" Deadpool said as he raised up his hands in surrender.

The man stared at him, his eyes blinking through the visor. "...You are?"

"Yeah!"

Deadpool watched as the guy hesitated, then lowered the weapon.

"I'm Deadpool," the Merc with The Mouth introduced.

The man's brows furrowed.

"'Deadpool'?" He repeated.

"Yeah, long story." Deadpool shrugged. "What's your name?"

The guy in green shook his head.

"...I can't- I can't...remember." he replied. "I've-I've been down here for-for so long... I can't- I can't...even...remember my own...god...damn name. Fucking...demons. Kill them. Must...kill them. Rip...and...tear. Rip...and...tear!"

The last part was uttered in a low vicious snarl, his tired angry eyes possessing that thousand yard stare Deadpool knew so well, and yet, they burned with such a fierce determination. The guy's mind was so utterly broken that hardly anything of his former self remained.

"...Weeeelll," Deadpool said slowly, "...good luck with that."

The man in green cracked his knuckles. "Have you...seen a horde of demons come through here."

The Merc with The Mouth pointed down the hall behind him.

"Kill them," the man said determinedly, his hard eyes focused on the objective. "Must...kill them all! Rip and tear...for Daisy."

Noticing the slightly sad tone in his voice, before Wade even had a chance to ask, the man started wandering away, grunting loudly as he dragged his huge bag of weaponry behind him.

"...That is one scary-ass dude." Deadpool commented.

_'No kidding!' _The voice in his head replied.

_**'...Shouldn't we have asked him for a weapon?' **_The other voice asked.

Deadpool stood still for a moment, blankly staring down the hallway.

* * *

Demons turned their heads away from their meals as a voice echoed all across the NetherRealm.

"...FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!"

* * *

_**'...Feel better?'**_

Panting furiously, Deadpool then gave a nod. "...Yeah."

**_'We should get going and find this Shinnok guy-'_**

"I will, I will, but first, let me check the options menu." He said. Grabbing the scene, he pulled it aside. "NNNGH, THERE WE GO! Now let's see- WHOA!"

The dungeon background was replaced with closeup image of a guy with a cyborg eye.

**_'Oh look, a Terminator rip-off,' _**the voice in his head deadpanned.

_'Screw that guy, LOOK AT THE BABE IN THE BACKGROUND - SHE'S HOT!'_

The scene seemed to be set in some sort of subway, but Deadpool gasped as he saw the woman in the background. Blonde with blue eyes with a green combat jacket and pants, possessing very definable, ahem, "assets", both of which drew his immediate attention.

"...BABEH!" He then looked at the screen. "HEY, EVOLUTION! AS SOON AS WE'RE DONE HERE, I WANT YOU TO INTRODUCE ME TO HER! UNDERSTAND?!"

The screen tilted up and down in a nod.

"Good. Now that's settled, let's look at the menu. Hmm, let's see...isn't 'combat' spelled with a 'C'?"

_'I don't know! Why are you asking me for?'_

**_'It could be a stylistic thing.'_** The other voice suggested.

"Or maybe somebody at Midway doesn't know how to spell." Deadpool countered.

**_'It's not Midway anymore, it's NetherRealm Studios.'_**

Deadpool shrugged.

"Meh, whatever." he said as he scrutinized the menu. "Now, let's see...'Kombat'...'Konquest'...'Krypt'...OOH! OOH! 'MOTOR KOMBAT'?! I would LOVE to try that! Let's see, online...aha! 'Kreate A Fighter'! There we go now!...…..WHAT DO YOU MEAN I NEED TO PAY FOR PANTS?!"

Reaching into his boxers, he felt around.

"Where is it? Where is it?! Where did I put- ah! There it is!" Taking out a heap of cash, he held it to the screen. "I like to buy some pants, please!"

A white text scrolled above.

'WE DON'T TAKE CASH.'

Deadpool sighed. "Of course you don't."

Stuffing the dollar bills back in, he rummaged around again.

"Now where the hell is- aha! Got it!"

Pulling out a credit card, he held it up to the screen. "OKAY! How much?"

'WE DON'T TAKE CREDIT CARDS.' The white text scrolled.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T TAKE CREDIT CARDS?!" Deadpool raged at the screen. "You don't take cash or credit cards. What do you want, a handjob?!"

**_'Well, looks like we'll have to roll up our sleeves again,'_** one of the voices drawled.

_'At least we're not getting Capcom'd, Team Ninja'd or EA'd.'_

_**'...Aren't we?'**_

"Touche, voice in my head." Deadpool said as he started rolling up a sleeve. "Okay, screen, how do you want it?"

'PLEASE STOP.' The white text swiftly wrote. 'YOU DON'T NEED CASH OR CREDIT CARDS - YOU NEED KOINS.'

Deadpool blinked.

"Oh," he said dumbly. "And how do I earn these 'koins'."

'BY PERFORMING COMBOS, PLAYING THROUGH THE ARCADE LADDER, MOTOR KOMBAT, AND SO ON.'

The Merc with The Mouth remained still for a moment, then tilted his head thoughtfully to the side.

"Huh. I'm okay with doing that, actually." He looked back to the screen. "RUN MONTAGE, EVOLUTION!"

* * *

Shao Kahn watched as a bigheaded cartoony version of Deadpool sucker-punched a bigheaded Johnny Cage.

"MINE NOW!" The mercenary exclaimed as he got into the driver's seat.

He watched as other similarly proportioned fighters drove throughout the various arenas, Deadpool squealing in delight.

"WHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Letting out a tired sigh, he sat back in his throne as Motor Kombat began.

**"Fuck it."** The warlord said to himself.

* * *

A bigheaded Deadpool battled with a similarly proportioned Scorpion while a Tetris-styled puzzle played overhead.

"Fucking puzzles," Deadpool grumbled.

* * *

Standing in front of a temple, Deadpool flexed and stretched in front of a plank of wood.

**"TEST YOUR MIGHT!" **Shao Kahn called from out of nowhere, causing him to look around, shrugging nonchalantly.

Deadpool closed his eyes.

"Okayyyy, spamming all the buttons! Spamming all the buttonnnnnss!" he said to himself.

Shaolin monks blinked in confusion.

"What is he talking about?" One asked another sitting beside him.

The other monk merely shrugged. "Who knows."

Opening his eyes again, Deadpool let out a yell as he raised his hand in the air.

"HIIIIIYAAAAAAAH!" Chopping the plank in half, the mercenary let out a loud cheer. "HAHAHAHA! YES! WHO'S THE MAN?! WHO'S THE MAN?!"

**"FLAWLESS VICTORY!"**

* * *

After several wins, combos and successful races (followed by a slew of losses), Deadpool returned to the main menu.

"Okay, I'm back!" he announced with his arms outspread. "Now, let's see...Kreate A Fighter...ANNNNNND...….WHAT DO YOU MEAN I STILL DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR A PAIR OF FUCKING PANTS?!"

'YOU HAVEN'T PUT IN A MEMORY CARD TO PROPERLY SAVE YOUR PROGRESS.' The white text scrawled.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Deadpool shouted. "Oh you can fuck right off!"

Turning around, the mercenary refrained from tearing off his mask, taking in a deep breath.

"Deep breaths, Wilson," he said to himself. "Deep breaths."

Letting out a sigh, he faced the screen again.

"Okay, so I can't buy pants yet. What can I buy?" Deadpool asked as he moved through the various sections. "Appearance, good. Strap on those dual katanas. Moves list. Style. Weapons- OOH! HELL YES! I'll take the dual katanas!"

'YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO WIELD ONE.'

"WHAT?! BUT I HAVE TWO KATANAS!"

'YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED ONE.'

"Eat my dick and die, computer!" Deadpool retorted, raising a katana angrily. "Let me use- HEY! What happened to my swords?!"

'WE'RE SORRY, BUT DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES ON THIS SYSTEM, WE ARE UNABLE TO ALLOW YOU TO USE KATANAS, SWORDS OR WEAPONS OF ANY KIND.' The words scrawled.

Deadpool stared dumbfounded. "Are you guys shitting me?!"

'AFRAID NOT.'

"You're just going to leave me defenseless?"

'ERROR - SYSTEM OVERHEATING. RESTARTING.'

"Oh god damnit. Screw this!"

Tearing the scene away, Deadpool returned back to the dungeon.

"Yep, back to this shithole." Looking down the corridor, he sighed. "Well, onward and upward, I guess. We should probably fast-forward a little bit."

Deadpool then took out a remote control. "ANNNNNNNNNNND...NOW!"

* * *

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

Deadpool let out a strangled squawk as he kneeled in the corner with his boxers drawn down, his rear end partially concealed by a wall as he stared to the left at the ceiling.

"Ohh god, I should cut back on the tacos!" He then laughed lightly. "Nah, just kidding."

Sensing he was being watched, he suddenly looked to the screen.

"WHOOPS! My bad, guys! Let's just fast-forward."

* * *

WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY DEADPOOL

STARRING DEADPOOL

"Shit, I went too far. Just bear with me, guys!" Deadpool said as he brought up the controller again.

CLICK.

* * *

Steve Rogers hummed quietly as he sat on the toilet, thumbing through the pages of the Daily Bugle.

BAM!

"What the-" Steve sputtered, jumping in his seat startled as the door was kicked in, holding the paper in front of him to conceal himself. "DEADPOOL?!"

"Oh for fuck's sake. Sorry! Sorry, Cap! I didn't mean to do this again!" Deadpool waved.

"Again?! What-"

"Don't worry, just let me fix this." Deadpool said as he brought up the remote control.

CLICK.

He looked around, then back at the controller, pressing the button several more times.

CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK.

"WADE, DO YOU MIND?!" Steve demanded.

"Sorry, sorry! I think the battery just died." Deadpool waved as he smacked at the controller, muttering, "Fucking RadioShack. Come on, come on! Come on, work, dammit! Work, you piece of shit!"

CLICK.

* * *

He was now in a chamber with several open arches that showed the outside.

Looking through the open archways, Deadpool stared out to the pools of lava, the bodies on spikes and the vast river of blood.

"...You know," the Merc with The Mouth said thoughtfully to himself, "I think with the right curtains and wallpaper...maybe some petunias...this wouldn't be a bad spot to set up a summer home. Could use some windows. A bit too breezy for my tastes."

"I appreciate your candor," A dusky voice spoke from behind him, "although I have to take what you say with a grain of salt. After all, you are not exactly a man renowned for your taste in interior design, Mr. Wilson. Your choice of attire is also...questionable."

Turning around, Deadpool spotted the man addressing him.

Seated down comfortably on a horned throne was a tall, slenderly built man with grey decaying skin and pale eyes, wearing a long green robe with traces of red, white and gold, his most distinguishing feature being the ornate and slightly horned crimson hooded crown on the top of his head. Beside him stood Quan Chi along with Moloch and Drahmin.

"Nice hat," Deadpool said.

The man nodded, giving a slightly appreciative smile. "Thank you."

"You're Shinnok, I'm assuming?"

"I am." Shinnok leaned forward. "Now, what do I owe the... _pleasure_ of your acquaintance?"

The way in which he uttered 'pleasure' made it sound as if he had just discovered a freshly-made dog turd.

Deadpool scratched his butt.

"Weelll, it's like this," he began. "I got here by accident and the giant dinosaur wandering around down here told me to come find you."

A series of confused looks were exchanged among the various demons.

"...Uh, sorry, did you say a 'dinosaur'?" Quan Chi blinked.

"What's dinosaur?" Moloch asked. "Can Moloch eat it?"

Shinnok was still on his throne, then nodded in understanding.

"Ahh, I see," he said, leaning back into his chair, his fingertips clasped together. "So, Diablo has awakened at long last. I have to admit, I had heard rumors of his existence down here for quite a while, but I had never been able to find him during all my time down here. Curious creature, that one." Shinnok then narrowed his eyes, giving Deadpool a pointed look, "What is your business with him?"

Deadpool shrugged.

"He just told me to come find you." he replied. "Maybe he thought I had a better chance going back to EarthRealm or whatever by asking you. I dunno. So...could you send me back?"

Shinnok was still, then shook his head. "No."

"Please? Please with a cherry on top?"

The fallen Elder God gave the mercenary an amused look.

"And why would I want to do that?" Shinnok queried.

"I can get you an even cooler hat up-top!" Deadpool replied. "One better than the one you have on right now! I have a discount where I get my suits done that sells some pretty nifty stuff! I need to get some pants anyway."

All traces of humor was dropped from the ashen face.

"You fool. I had once been an Elder God - I possessed power the likes of which you can scarcely imagine. Do you actually believe that a paltry hat of all things would be even remotely comparable?"

"...Does that you mean you don't want a new hat, then?"

"Yes."

"Oh, so you _do_ want a new hat?"

Shinnok clenched his jaw. "No, I _don't_."

"Are you sure? Because I saw some pretty cool hats that would be-"

"I DON'T WANT A NEW HAT!" Shinnok snapped.

Deadpool raised his hands in a placating gesture. "Okay, okay! So you don't want a new hat. Do you want to get tacos?"

The Elder God pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Lords almighty, NO!"

"...Why not? Have you ever tried one?""

Shinnok gave him a withering stare.

"What part of 'Elder God' don't you understand?! I am immune to human weaknesses. I am free of mortal temptations."

Deadpool blinked.

"Are you, though?" he asked curiously. "I thought you guys were like the biggest partygoers out there or something. I mean, I heard stories that the thunder dude is a hardcore womanizer-"

"Do not mention Raiden here, mortal," Shinnok said in a dangerously low voice, his features darkening.

Deadpool waved. "My bad."

Shinnok narrowed his eyes.

"The fact that you mentioned the Thunder God in the first place is enough to make me want to kill you on the spot, mortal. My initial thoughts had been to induct you into the Brotherhood of Shadows, but quite frankly I am repulsed by you and your prattle." The Elder God then turned to his subordinates, waving dismissively to the mercenary. "Kill him."

Quan Chi summoned a yellowish green skull, crushing it in his hand. "With pleasure, Lord Shinnok."

Shadows stirred as Noob and Smoke appeared next to him.

Moloch and Drahmin laughed as the latter pounded his mace fist into the palm of his hand.

As the group approached, Wade got into a fighting stance.

"Well, looks like it is on-"

CRASH!

The group paused as a nearby wall exploded. Turning around, Deadpool's eyes widened as a familiar figure stepped through the debris, a gleeful smile forming beneath his mask.

"Ho...ly...CRAP! HEY! LORD DEIMOS, OLD BUDDY! IT'S ME, DEADPOOL!" he waved excitedly.

"You..." Lord Deimos growled in disapproval.

Quan Chi gulped as the red knight stomped forward with flaming flamberge sword in hand.

Shinnok sneered.

"And yet another fool that wants to be destroyed." The Elder God snidely commented as he turned his attention back to Deadpool. "You should count your blessings, Deadpool - you are still out-matched, but you can take comfort in knowing that you won't die alone. Kill them."

As Drahmin charged toward him, a spear suddenly protruded out from his chest, coating Deadpool in blood.

"What-?"

"GET OVER HERE!" An angry voice yelled.

The body was then yanked back violently off his feet, crashing into Noob and Quan Chi, causing Moloch to stagger backward.

Deadpool watched as the spear dragged the oni across the floor, pulling him to the spear's owner - a tall man with angry pale dead eyes dressed in yellow and black ninja apparel, his muscled arms exposed. Skull-like motifs appeared on different parts of his person, the dual ninja swords strapped to his back bearing some rather curious scorpion-like designs.

At the sight of this new arrival, Quan Chi took a hesitant step back. "Scorpion..."

Upon hearing his name, Scorpion flung the captured Drahmin out through the window, the oni screaming all the way down.

"Quan Chi." He spoke, his voice a double-layered, strangely ghostly quality, his fists tightening in rage. "You will BURN for what you did to my clan and family!"

"Your revenge will have to wait," Lord Deimos growled. "His head belongs to me!"

Scorpion narrowed his pale eyes.

"You dare get in the way of my vengeance?!" he challenged.

Lord Deimos tightened his grip on the sword's handle. "I don't need this competition."

Deadpool raised up his hands.

"Guys! Guys! Could we talk about this after we-"

_**"SHINNOK!"**_ A loud voice roared, causing the throne room to quake.

As everyone struggled to regain their balance, Deadpool watched as the aforementioned Elder God unsteadily rose up from his seat, looking behind him as a large red saurian head filled the background, its grinning teeth sneering down.

_**"I'VE FOUND YOU AT LAST, IMPOSTER." **_Diablo grinned.

Standing up to his full height, Shinnok turned to face the creature directly.

"So that is why you sent Deadpool. You were tracking him by his scent in order to find me."

The dinosaur's smile grew.

_**"NOT BAD FOR A TINY SIMIAN."**_ Diablo replied, his teeth glistening with saliva. **_"I WONDER HOW A SO-CALLED ELDER GOD'S FLESH WOULD COMPARE TO THE OTHER OFFERINGS I HAVE HAD."_**

Shinnok's hand tightened into a fist.

"You overstep your bounds, beast! Know your place!"

Giant skeleton hands reached up to grab the saurian, only to crumble.

"WHAT?!" Shinnok said in shock.

Diablo's sneer remained on its ugly reptilian face.

_**"YOUR ARROGANCE KNOWS NO BOUNDS, LITTLE GOD."**_ He taunted. _**"FOR TOO LONG YOU HAVE LIVED UNDER THE DELUSION OF BEING THIS REALM'S TRUE RULER. ALLOW ME TO ENLIGHTEN YOU ON YOUR ERROR."**_

Shinnok levitated off the floor.

"I'll show you who's in error!" he snarled, flying out to face his bestial opponent.

As the two started to battle, Deadpool looked back to the others, then back to Lord Deimos, then to Scorpion.

"I don't suppose either of you have an extra weapon on you, let alone an extra pair of pants?"

"No." Both men answered at the same time.

"Oh." Deadpool cracked his fists, then rolled his shoulder. "So, how do you guys want to do this?"

"With their bodies and spilled blood at my feet." The red knight charged forward with a roar.

"And Quan Chi's head on a spike!" Scorpion yelled as he joined in the fray.

Deadpool shrugged. "Sounds good enough for me."

And so the battle began as Noob and Smoke charged toward the Merc with the Mouth while Lord Deimos and Scorpion charged for Quan Chi and Scorpion, the different parties clashing.

The tower rumbled a cacophony of noise as bodies tangled and threw flurries of punches and kicks with fighters breaking off from one opponent to attack another, a scene of pure chaos. Columns walls were destroyed as projectiles exploded into them.

Throwing a punch at Noob, Deadpool watched as the ninja sunk into the shadows.

"Okay, that is not fair!" Deadpool commented as he countered Smoke's attacks before ducking down to avoid a green skull thrown by Quan Chi, following it up with an uppercut that lifted the cyborg off his feet.

He blinked, then looked back to his fist.

"I don't think it's possible for an uppercut to lift someone up in the air like that."

_**'IS NOW REALLY THE BEST TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT?!'**_ The voice in his head stated.

Deadpool shrugged. "Just saying!"

* * *

Meanwhile, outside, Shinnok encircled Diablo, dodging the mighty swings of Diablo's tail and his chomping jaws, firing streams of green energy blasts that struck the creature's hide and chest.

"Is that the best you can do?!" Shinnok taunted as he dodged a slow fireball before being struck by a faster hitting projectile that sent him spiralling into the ground.

Pushing himself with a grunt, the Elder God had no time to react as a massive foot stomped down on him. When it lifted up again, he tried picking himself up a second time, only to be flattened over and over by Diablo, the creature grinning with satisfaction. As the foot raised itself up again, Shinnok weakly pawed the ground, his form battered and bruised.

"Y-you-you will pay for this." He said with grit teeth. "I will carve my throne and palace from your flesh!"

Rising up again, Shinnok's eyes glowed green as he summoned up a forest of massive skeleton arms that grabbed and clawed at the Destructive Beast.

Letting out a roar, Diablo toppled over as he was pulled down, the world shaking as his body hit the ground.

* * *

Back at the throne room, the battle waged on.

Deadpool traded blows with Smoke and Noob, punching the former and round-housing the latter.

Looking to Lord Deimos, Deadpool observed the giant knight in action.

Ramming his spike shoulder into Moloch's chest before the creature even had a chance to react, Lord Deimos followed up with several vertical and horizontal slashes and a sharp kick to its mid-section before slamming his sword into the ground, producing a long column of fire that lifted his opponent into the air.

Drawing his blade back, the knight then swung it with all his might in an upward arch as if he were swinging a baseball bat or a golf club.

"FORE!" Deadpool yelled as the flamberge cut through Moloch's chest, lifting him up the ceiling, the creature falling with a loud thud.

Lord Deimos turned his head, giving him a puzzled look. "What?"

Deadpool shrugged.

"That's what you're suppose to yell during golf," he replied.

"Hm." The knight grunted as he turned his attention to Moloch as he rose up from the ground and charged him, the oni raising its iron ball.

"EISEN KUSS!" The red knight yelled as he swung his sword several times over head, slashing through the demon, one slash catching the creature across the face, the other cutting straight through his arm with the ball. Moloch screamed as his dismembered limb fell to the floor, his blood staining the ground red.

Lifting up the creature up by the throat, Lord Deimos let out a deep bellowing laugh as he reared his arm back and smacked the creature down with the flat end of his sword.

A punch caught Deadpool across the jaw.

"Aw...who-"

Before he could finish, a slew of punches and kick caught him from different angles. Noob suddenly grabbed hold of him and pulled him down into the ground through a portal, slamming Wade's face into the floor while Smoke tele-punched him into the air.

As Deadpool fell, Noob leapt up from the shadows and flung shuriken into him, the ninja stars embedding themselves into Wade's chest.

Sinking onto his knees, Deadpool plucked them painfully out one by one, then looked up as Smoke reappeared. "Dick move, bro!"

"You should be better aware of your surroundings." The machine replied as he walked toward him.

Cracking his jaw with a wince, Deadpool got back up.

"I'll keep that in mind." Throwing the ninja stars back, he watched as the cyborg backflipped all the way to the other end before disappearing from view.

Deadpool tensed up as the room started to fog up.

"Well, things are looking pretty bad, text boxes," Deadpool said aloud. "It's been nice knowing you, fellas."

_'*Sniff* It was nice knowing you too, dude!'_

**_'It was nice knowing you, fellas. See you on the other what are you doing?!'_**

Deadpool snatched hold of the text boxes, flinging them around wildly like pair of nunchakus.

"Bring it on, buttfuckers!" He taunted.

_'I think I'm going to hurl.'_

Leaping out from the shadows, Noob and Smoke flew toward Wade.

SMACK! _'OW!'_ WHACK!_** 'OYE!'**_ CRACK! _**'OH MY SPLEEN!' **_WHAP!

* * *

SCorpiON watched As THE reD **MAN** sMACKEd hhiiiiis oppoppppooooooents with WEEEEAAAAAAPPINS THat sEMMMMINGLY LLLLLLOKED LAK _TTTEEEEEEEEEEEXTTTT_ BOOOOOOXXESSSSSSSSS. wHEEERRRRRRRRRE DIDIDIDIDID 190293843593586285348517412313176361! # #$$%^$# -

WE'RE SORRY - DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES THIS SECTION IS UNDERGOING HEAVY REPAIRS. AN ADMINISTRATOR HAS BEEN NOTIFIED AND WILL RETURN YOU BACK TO YOUR PROGRAM. PLEASE ENJOY THESE INFOMERCIALS WHILE YOU WAIT.

* * *

Deadpool suddenly appeared in front of the screen.

"Hello everyone. My name is Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool, and I have a very important question for you - are you satisfied with the size of your penis? Are you feeling low? WELL TOO BAD! MINE IS BIGGER, HAHHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

Evolution facepalmed.

"ANNNNNNND here come the angry letters." he said in a flat, defeated tone, his dead eyes watching as his monitors pinged with a slew of curses.

"I love this job! HEE HEEE HEE HEE!" Deadpool laughed. "And now back to our program!" ;)

* * *

Deadpool stood over the unconscious form of Drahmin.

"What the hell? I thought he was dead?"

**_'Apparently when you used us as your weapons you ended up damaging the script,'_** one of the voice replied. **_'Whole scenes had to be cut out thanks to you. Evolution is seriously pissed at you. And by the way, we're still waiting for your apology.'_**

_'Yeah!'_ The other voice said in agreement, harrumphing.

"Hey, come on, guys! I was desperate!"

_'It still hurts that you would use us like that!' _The other voice sniffed.

Deadpool sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Who are you talking to?"

Looking to his left, he was cut off as a metallic fist punched him in the jaw, sending him sprawling to the ground.

"AwuAgh! Deck maove, bruh!" Deadpool said with a broken jaw.

"Your failure to pay attention to your surroundings during a battle is not my concern." Smoke said as he approached.

Snapping his jaw back into place, Wade leapt back onto his feet.

"Perhaps not. Tell me, Smoky Bear - ever played a game called "Street Fighter"?" Deadpool asked.

"I am not familiar with that-"

"SHORYUKEN!" The Merc shouted, catching the robot in the jaw with a jumping uppercut, the machine falling down with a thud. "HA HA! How did that feel?"

He looked down at the robot.

"Hello?" Curious, Deadpool cautiously approached. "HEY! ARE YOU DEAD?!"

No answer.

"IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, SAY OUCH!" He shouted.

He waited, then poked the machine with his foot.

"I think he might be down for the count." Deadpool said aloud, then started to flex. "Ha HA! Who's da man?! Deadpool, that's who-"

He cried out as a sword pierced his chest.

"You are not a particularly good listener," Quan Chi stated as he impaled Wade with his dual broad swords. "You should have heeded Smoke's advice."

Deadpool shrugged.

"Meh, whatever. I get skewered every Thursday and Friday." He glanced back to the sorcerer. "Besides, you should have listened to your own advice, skippy."

Quan Chi blinked. "What? What are you- GUH!"

Deadpool watched as the pale sorcerer was hefted up high in the air, his form impaled on Lord Deimos' flamberge as he held up one handed.

"Revenge is mine, Sorcerer." The knight seethed.

Quan Chi struggled to breathe, coughing up blood as he shakily and weakly clawed at the sword protruding out from his chest.

"NO!" Scorpion yelled as he charged toward Lord Deimos, only to find himself tackled from the side by Noob.

Looking back to Lord Deimos, Deadpool gave a little wave.

"Uh, could you help get these out of me?"

Tossing Quan Chi's body indelicately aside, Lord Deimos growled as he approached Deadpool, tugging the swords out from his back.

"Oh, thank you," Deadpool said as he stretched himself out. "Hoo, I can never get used to that."

The knight said nothing, then turned away, leaving in silence.

"Hey! Where are you going?"

The knight refused to answer. Looking down to Quan Chi's still form, he sliced off the sorcerer's head, then lifted it up in his gauntleted hand, holding it like a prize.

"I have what I came for," Lord Deimos growled. He then cast a glance over to Scorpion and gestured to him, "Tell the ninja that he may claim the rest. Farewell, strange one."

And with that, he left.

"Goodbye, Deimos!" Deadpool waved. "I hope you come back for 'Mace 2', if not as future DLC for some game from NetherRealm Studios!" He then resumed talking normally. "Man that guy was cool!"

* * *

Meanwhile Noob and Scorpion continued to fight on, the two ninjas punching, kicking, leaping and sweeping, the two evenly matched.

Scorpion squinted his eyes.

"Your moves...you seem...familiar." he said in a low voice.

"I thought you would have recognized me sooner, _Scorpion_," Noob taunted.

Scorpion's pale eyes widened.

"That voice..._Sub-Zero_?!"

Deadpool perked up curiously. "Wait, you know this guy?"

"He should," Noob nodded. "After all, he is the one who killed me."

The Merc with the Mouth flinched. "Ouch."

"It wasn't pleasant," Noob then moved into a Monkey stance, his form bouncing slightly. "That said, however, I should thank you, _Scorpion_. Were it not for you, Quan Chi wouldn't have such a suitable vessel in the first place."

Scorpion stared to the shadowy figure.

"So, the two of you are piloting Bi-Han's corpse." He stated as he leaned into a Hapkido stance. "You may have his body, but you are a pale imitation of him."

"Are you ready to die again, _Hanzo Hasashi_?"

"Not before I correct my mistake, _revenant_!"

Spectre and revenant vanished, teleporting around the temple in a whirlwind of shadows and fire.

Noob dodged a teleporting punch while Scorpion himself avoided being grabbed by a clone that leapt out from a small sliver of shadow.

Another clone grabbed the spectre and pulled him into the inky black pool in the ground, the air punctuated with heavy punches as Noob let out a dark chuckle.

A black portal appeared from the ceiling, spitting out Scorpion's bruised body as he came crashing down.

Leaping back onto his feet, the ninja ripped off his mask, revealing a fleshless skull that let breathed out a jet of flame that barely missed his opponent as he teleported out of the way.

Whirling the chain of his spear around, looping it several times, Scorpion kicked it by the hilt, launching it in the opposite direction.

"COME HERE!"

The spear embedded itself into a column as Noob ducked down.

"You missed." The shadowy ninja smirked.

Scorpion smirked back. "Did I?"

Yanking the chain, his opponent didn't have time to react as a section of the column was pulled violently off, the section catching him in the back of the head.

Falling to his knees, Noob looked up as Scorpion charged forward.

A shadowy clone peeled off from Noob's form, racing toward Scorpion. Scorpion braced himself for the coming blow, only to be caught off-guard as the half-dressed red ninja tackled Noob from the side, causing the shadow clone to disappear.

* * *

Deadpool pounded into Noob's face, not letting up.

"THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! YOU WANT SOME MORE?! HOW ABOUT ANOTHER?! OH YOU WANT SECONDS?! HOW ABOUT THIRDS?! THIS IS FOR BEING A GOTH DORK! THAT'S FOR BEING AN EDGELORD WANNABE! THAT'S FOR BEING A TOTAL DOUCHE! THAT'S FOR THE SHITTY PREQUEL GAME ON THE N64! THAT'S FOR AMERICA! THAT'S FOR ALL THE READERS THAT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT! THAT'S FOR THE WHITE ELEPHANT PRESENT - WHO WANTS A WHITE ELEPHANT?! THAT'S FOR AMERICA! THAT'S BECAUSE I LIKE SMACKING FLESHY THINGS WITH THIS HAND! THAT'S FOR THE HOT GAMER GIRLS OUT THERE (hey, call me!)! THAT'S FOR, Um. Uh..."

The mercenary paused, then struck again. "...I have no idea why I did that honestly."

Looking down at Noob's unconscious form, he then got up.

"IIIIIII think I may have overdone it."

**_'You think?'_** The voice in his head said dryly.

He shrugged. "Meh."

Looking to Scorpion, Deadpool watched as the yellow ninja stood over Quan Chi's remains.

"It should have been me..." The spectre said quietly.

Turning to face Deadpool, Scorpion looked at him for a moment, then gave a single nod of acknowledgement.

Deadpool smiled and gave a thumbs up as the enigmatic ninja vanished, disappearing in a cloud of brimstone and hellfire.

"Well, now that has been dealt with, I wonder how-"

A shrill, blood-curdling scream outside drew his attention as he stared out to the hellscape, watching as Diablo grinded his teeth against Shinnok's back.

"HELP ME! PLEASE GOD HELP ME!" The Elder God screamed inside of the dinosaur's maw, his flesh being flayed from his body.

Tossing his head back, the Tyrannosaurus swallowed the shrieking Shinnok down whole with a gulp.

Moments later, the fallen Elder God's face and torso swelled outward from the creature's chest, his form now part of Diablo himself.

Lifting up his mighty head, Diablo let out a loud belch, giving a satisfied smile. _**"DELICIOUS."**_

Looking down at Deadpool, the creature regarded him.

_**"YOU HAVE DONE WELL, SIMIAN. MY GRATITUDE FOR SUCH A DELECTABLE MEAL!" **_Diablo said.

"Uhh, Bon Appetit!" Deadpool then rubbed his hands together. "Soooo, now that you've eaten, could you, uh...send me back?"

Diablo was still. For a moment, Wade felt himself tense up beneath the creature's lantern-like stare, not liking the look it was giving him.

Then, to his surprise, the creature gave him a dismissive snort.

_**"VERY WELL." **_The beast said as a portal appeared beside the mercenary. _**"YOU HAVE SERVED YOUR PURPOSE. NOW...GO."**_

Deadpool nodded. "Thank you."

* * *

As the Merc with The Mouth disappeared into the portal, Diablo raised his reptilian head to the starless black sky, letting out an earth-shattering roar that could be heard all across the Nether Realm.

The denizens of the umbral plains shivered as the roars echoed, some fleeing into the deepest recesses to avoid what was to come.

Turning away, Diablo then trekked through the fields of bone and lava, his skin sizzling in the infernal heat.

* * *

Demons scurried out of Diablo's path as he stomped through, ignoring the flying cacodemons and winged imps. Swinging his tail, he swatted the annoyances out of the air, feeling some measure of satisfaction of hearing them go splat.

"Diablo."

Hearing his name, the Destructive Beast curiously turned, looking down at a red knight with a flaming flamberge sword resting on his spiked shoulders.

_**"WHO...ARE YOU?"**_ The creature asked, not even masking his contempt.

The knight straightened, plunging the sword into the bone floor on which he stood. "I am Lord Deimos, former ruler of Bavaria and leader of the Covenant of the Seven. I have come to take your head and lay claim to this realm!"

Diablo snorted dismissively. _**"BEGONE, FOOL. YOU ARE NEITHER WORTH MY TIME NOR MY PATIENCE."**_

Lord Deimos gave a bellowing laugh as he lifted the sword off the ground.

"We shall see about that, dragon."

The dinosaur snarled, his yellow eyes glowing.

_**"I KNOW OF YOU, CUR. YOU HAD TOSSED YOURSELF INTO THE LAVA AGES AGO IN ORDER TO AVOID THE HUMILIATION OF BEING DEFEATED BY THE PEASANTS YOU KEPT**_** ENSLAVED.****" **

He watched as the knight's grip on his sword tightened.

_**"YOU COULDN'T EVEN DEFEAT ASMODEUS AND LAY CLAIM TO THE MACE OF**_** TANIS."** The creature sneered._** "WHAT MAKES YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY DEFEAT** **ME?"**_

Lord Deimos remained still, and for a moment, Diablo thought the little pissant would flee. To his surprise, the knight tossed his head back and laughed.

"I didn't toss myself into the lava to escape humiliation," Lord Deimos replied, "nor had Asmodeus defeated me. The truth was that I _let_ him defeat me."

Diablo arched a scaled and scarred brow disinterestedly. _**"DID YOU? AND WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?"**_

Deimos chuckled, bringing the sword up as he leaned low into a stance. "Why don't I show you? Have at you, dragon!"

And so waged a new battle between two of NetherRealms' darkest citizens, two beings of grim, ruthless determination that history had long forgotten...but that was a tale for another time.

* * *

Meanwhile, in some distant temple, the Doom Marine dragged his enormous bag of weapons behind him.

"HNNGH! Jesus fucking Christ, this bag! If the demons don't kill me, this fucking bag will! Whoo! God, I could use a cigarette right now!" he said tiredly.

* * *

**Deadpool here! Sorry for the long wait, my good people - hope everyone is safe, healthy and happy. As you can see, I've been keeping Evolution quite busy. That said, though, that worthless hack should have gotten it out sooner. *Sigh* It is hard finding good help these days!**

**Until next time - peace out, everybody! Hope you enjoy this story as it unfolds! Buh-bye!**

**:)**


End file.
